Dear Carolyn: Four years ago, my son and daughter-in-law moved back to our hometown so they could have family support while raising their young kids. I babysit my two sweet granddaughters free of charge twice a week and am the go-to babysitter for other events as they come up. It’s been a wonderful experience for all of us.
Now, my granddaughters are approaching school age and my daughter is pregnant with her first baby. I’d like to offer her the support I’ve offered my son, and my husband and I have decided to move closer to her, at least for a few years.
My daughter-in-law is furious. She says that she and my son sacrificed career progress to move closer to us, and that if my daughter wants that benefit, then she should also be the one to move. She says they wouldn’t have “upended their lives” if they’d realized we were going to “abandon” them.
I’m trying to give them plenty of advance notice, and I don’t see four years of free child-care as abandonment. Are we terrible people for moving? — Allowed to Move?
Allowed to Move?: Your daughter-in-law responded terribly. No question. It’s childish emotional incontinence.
But there’s a piece missing: Why? Did your son and daughter-in-law move of their own accord, to be closer to you — or did they ask you to move closer, and decide to relocate only after you refused to?
If it’s the former, then maybe she’s just feeling rejected and is projecting that outward. Again — an explanation, not an excuse.
If it’s the latter, then you need to answer head-on the question of why you wouldn’t move for them but now will move for your daughter, especially if your daughter-in-law has grounds to feel slighted.
Of course, even if you had refused their request for you to move closer, had insisted on staying put, and even if they did move only to be closer to you, that wouldn’t mean you’re chained to your location forever. It also wouldn’t make it okay for your daughter-in-law to unload her fury on you. You’re adults, and you can change your minds as your circumstances change.
However, it’s important to try on the perspective of people who are upset with you. Even if they moved entirely on their own initiative, they’re still losing out on a close grand-relationship for their kids that they thought they’d secured by moving — not just on free child care. Framing things in a more respectful way and acknowledging their loss is a generous response to hard feelings.
Carolyn: Thanks for the thoughtful answer. I will try to approach conversations more holistically. My son and daughter-in-law did not ask me to move — they informed me they would be moving. My daughter works in a highly specialized industry that only exists in a few cities; moving would be impossible for her. — Allowed to Move? again
Allowed to Move? again: Hmm. Daughter-in-law might be upset with herself and/or your son for uprooting based on the assumption you’d be there forever, which would be understandable, but only if managed “in-self” and not splashed out in fury at you.
Nevertheless, compassionate and nondefensive will still be your best position from which to discuss this with them. I hope tensions ease for you soon.