Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I have been divorced from my daughter’s mother since she was 4. She is now 8. We initially had joint custody with alternating weeks. But this changed when my ex moved away, started a new relationship and had new kids.
I do not know the specifics of my ex’s situation, because she is very tight-lipped about it, but she recently asked for custody on the weekends only. I agreed and have no problem with that change. Our daughter was fine about it, too. Lately, though, our daughter has become increasingly reluctant to stay with her mother and says, “Mommy is never home.” Apparently, my ex is away when she has custody. From what our daughter tells me, her maternal aunt and grandmother look after her during these times.
They are decent people, and I have no issues with them, but it has gotten to the point where my daughter is constantly asking, practically begging, to stay with me. And during custody exchanges, she cries and is inconsolable for a long time. Her mother almost never picks her up, and it is usually the aunt. It has gotten worse the past few months. No amount of discussion or assuaging seems to mitigate this unless/until I relent and let her stay with me.
Sometimes I hold firm and say she must go. This ends in tears. My ex is ambivalent and does not seem to care whether our daughter stays over the weekends with me or not. She often does for several consecutive weeks, until my daughter starts to miss her mom and voluntarily goes, but this is increasingly rare. I want her to have a decent relationship with her mother, but I’m not sure whether this is a viable way to do things.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You suggest you have no reason to suspect abuse and “they are decent people,” which is a relief, but you are kept in the dark about what goes on in this home AND there is a new relationship and family AND your daughter is “practically begging” not to go AND she is too young to understand/articulate a lot of adult things? Serious alarms about what your child experiences there. At a minimum, there seems to be some emotional neglect.
Even if she is completely safe with her mom, a black-box attitude with a child is not okay. You have two independent reasons to pursue full custody. This is attorney/therapist stuff, but I am answering, because your daughter is in pain, and there is no apparent reason to force her to stay with her mom. If you can get full physical custody and send your daughter to her mom only when the mom and daughter both want it, then that would seem to make the most sense.
But the fuzzy (and apparently so far unmeetable) goal of a “decent relationship with her mother” is not a persuasive reason to send an “inconsolable” child off to be babysat for days on end against her will. If she were close to the aunt or grandma, then different answer. Just being with family does not automatically create a bond.
Readers’ thoughts:
∙ My stepfather was a monster. Took years to tell my dad, and when I did, his answer was my mom exaggerates. I will never forget it, and I took great pains never to ask for help again. Please listen to your child. Even if she is not telling you something, she is telling you something.
∙ Document what she has told you, and talk to your lawyer as soon as possible.
