Dear Carolyn: After getting out of a long marriage, I’ve been dating a guy for nine months, and I’m not sure what to think of his social media presence. His “likes” and “follows” are questionable, and it makes me upset to see who he is having social media interactions with.
The last time I was single, social media wasn’t much of a thing or a worry. What are the rules or common practices for social media use when you are in a relationship? Am I being jealous, controlling or overbearing to feel like he shouldn’t be liking, following, tweeting or being “friends” with beautiful, scantily clad women?
I’m not a big social media person. I keep my life private and often cringe at the stuff people, especially women, put out there to get attention. What is and isn’t acceptable? Am I overreacting?
I’ve mentioned once to him that it hurts my feelings and makes me feel insufficient. I’d never like or follow a half-naked man because 1. That’s not me. 2. I’d never want him to feel insufficient or that I’d rather look at another guy. — So Over Social Media
So Over Social Media: I loathe social media and its fallout as much as the next person, but what you describe is one of the few things it does right.
Thanks to social media you now know that, presented with the infinite intellectual bounty of the information age, your guy looks at [bits].
Now, nothing against the female form or anything. We are objectively fabulous. And there’s nothing wrong with people who appreciate the female form.
But to use the power of access to centuries of human thought and achievement to follow, [heart emoji] and tweet like a hormonal adolescent is one of those things that’s supposed to give you pause.
Which it kind of did, but that’s the other issue here:
When your judgment system alerted you to a problem, you just assumed the problem was with you, that you apparently weren’t hot enough personally to drive him to use his phone instead to learn a second language, read the Economist and binge dog videos.
If your first reaction to his judging a 24-7 online bikini contest is to feel insecure, then I urge you to put in the internal work toward understanding and appreciating your own worth and power. Otherwise, no matter who you date, you will unwittingly orient yourself toward being “good enough” to keep his attention, whether he’s good for you or not, of character or not, deserving or not. People who hit it off as is hold each other’s attention by being themselves.
This is slightly outside the scope of your social media issue but it will be at the very heart of your dating issues until you address it with some organic self-confidence.
As for the social media issue: Please recalibrate. There are no “rules.” And that’s a good thing. What people follow and post gives you another viewing angle on who they are, what they think, what they value. Use it. Meaning, take whatever information his feeds are giving you about him — for example, that he ogles as a hobby — and use it to inform your own judgment. Is ogling a hobby you share? Respect? Find hilarious, appreciate at arm’s length, grudgingly accept? Then carry on. Keep enjoying his company and see where it takes you.
If it’s behavior you don’t share, respect, etc., then let that help you decide whether you want to keep dating him. (See: “1. That’s not me,” above.) If you think his hobby is sad, disrespectful or gross, then what would the point be of telling him he “shouldn’t” do it? For you? Even if he stops, he’s still the sad, disrespectful or gross person who wants to do that and will resume so at his first opportunity.
With apologies to Maya Angelou: When people tweet who they are, believe them the first time.
