Dear Carolyn: So, I work in an industry with a lot of physical challenges (think: construction). Unbearable hot summers, cold winters, unstable job opportunities and not-fair pay. I am fortunate to be senior enough not to suffer physically from the demands of the industry.
However, all my friends, siblings, etc. complain CONSTANTLY about going back to work. They all work in fancy offices with free hot drinks, perfect ambient temperature and options for lunch. These people all make six figures, and their jobs are secure — stable, competitive job options, lots of perks, etc.
In a way, I enjoy the same working conditions (yay!), but I cannot stop seeing how many people don’t have the options we have. And it makes me mad. I want to scream, “Put up with the commute! Get headphones if it’s noisy!” You get the gist.
Why does it make me SO mad? I want to bite my tongue because these people are my friends, relatives, parents of my kids’ friends — but isn’t anyone watching when they drive past a construction site? Is it so bad to work from an office? How can I word an answer that says, “I hear you, but you have cushy life, enjoy it”? — Fortunate
Fortunate: Please don’t word that in any way. Because certainly not all the office-job-holders you know are afflicted by unrelenting pressure, unmeetable expectations, “sick building” exposures, stolen ideas, backstabbing, abusive hours, abusive bosses, windowless rooms, discrimination, arbitrary pay discrepancies or soul-crushing boredom, to name a few — all possible at a mild and well-fed 72.5 degrees — but some of them are so afflicted, or have been. Therefore, your complaint risks sounding to them as devoid of perspective as their complaints sound to you.
Meanwhile, the conditions in, say, a meatpacking plant can make those construction jobs you’re citing sound downright plush. And conditions in countries where employment and environmental laws are virtually nonexistent can make any U.S.-based job sound like winning the lottery. And people who can’t secure work of any kind might have some thoughts for all of you. As may the people who think “desk job” equals “death while breathing” and choose, eyes open, to take on physical challenges for pay.
My point is, you do have a good point about counting one’s blessings — but it will land badly if you make it a suffering contest with you as sole arbiter of what constitutes being blessed.
You’re also in social peril when you speak from a place of anger that you yourself don’t fully understand — because then all kinds of verbal surprises come out. I can’t tell you why white-collar complaints make you “SO mad,” for obvious reasons, but I’m confident you know enough to figure it out.
Is entitlement, for example, your pet peeve? Were people dismissive of your experience as you climbed the ranks to relative comfort? Are you angry at yourself for wasting your precious and finite social minutes on soft, self-pitying bores? Is this proxy anger for something else? You’re the one who’s upset, so it’s on you, not the complainers, to fix it.
I suspect tracing your anger flares to their origin will help you frame some healthier responses — humor, shared experiences, empathy, sincere invitations to a larger discussion or just some civil distance from the more persistent whiners. Whatever you settle on, it’ll be reasoned and authentic — which always beats reflexive and high-horsey, no matter how tempting that is.
