We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend, who is a widower, has just scheduled his fourth weekend trip with friends since I started dating him. I’ve been clear that getting to spend extended time together (by taking a short trip) is important to me, but we never have. He keeps telling me he feels guilty leaving his kids to take a trip with me. Or that we will, but just not yet because his schedule is so confusing (it really is).
The longer we’re together, the worse I feel about this. I don’t really understand why it’s okay and possible to go away with friends and not me. And yes, I’ve asked. His answers aren’t that clear, and I am so stressed during those conversations that I can’t even remember them that well afterward. It’s the one area that we haven’t been able to communicate well on and work our way through. He also seems hellbent on acting like his wife’s death was really sad, but that he has dealt with it, can look back on the happy memories and it isn’t going to ruin the rest of his life. I tend to doubt it is as easy as all that to just move on, particularly when they obviously had a very happy marriage and she died so young.
My feelings are very hurt by this new trip, and I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. His kids know about me and can see how much time he spends with me, but he has not felt comfortable introducing us yet. Suggestions? — Am I Tripping?
Am I Tripping?: My husband died about a year and a half ago. Initially, I was just so numb. I couldn’t do anything. In the last year, I started filling my time with friends and activities as much as I can. I’ve started dating, and I’m finding it difficult to figure out how to balance my desire for another relationship along with the activities and people who have kept me relatively sane during the worst time of my life. It’s taking a lot of balancing. I’m not there yet. I don’t know how long ago your boyfriend’s wife died, and I know that everybody’s grief is different.
That said, it is your responsibility in this relationship to make sure that you’re getting what you need. If the conversations are so stressful that you don’t even remember what you’ve said afterward, that’s a red flag about how the two of you interact. Please listen to it. — Anon
Am I Tripping?: Your boyfriend is showing you through his actions, if not words, that he is not yet ready for the level of intimacy that you are chasing. He does not want to introduce you to his children — a responsible decision if he’s not sure where things are headed. He does not want to rearrange his complicated schedule to have a weekend trip alone with you. It is frustrating he can’t express in words what he is thinking and feeling, but in such situations you can look to the facts you know.
You suspect he has not finished processing his grief over losing his wife, which may be true. Are you willing to give him more time to heal at the pace that feels comfortable to him? Demanding too much too fast from someone who is slowly adjusting to life without a beloved partner will not win you the intimacy you crave. It will destroy it.
If you need more, and you need it now, this is not the relationship for you. If you need more and you need a precise timeline of when you’ll get it, this is also not the relationship for you. A relationship works only when both partners can show respect and understanding for the other’s emotional timeline. Can you ungrudgingly give him the space he needs to grieve and build intimacy knowing there is no guarantee you get what you want in the end? Do you feel his actions are showing respect and understanding of your emotional needs? Can you be happy in the relationship as it is? Please evaluate this carefully, stop pressuring your partner, and make the best decision you have available. — Hesely
