Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up, I guess. I am devastated because I was thinking this relationship would lead to marriage. His approach to the pandemic has made me nervous — throwing caution to the wind, no mask except when absolutely required, weekly meetups with large groups of friends. We’ve had several arguments about it, escalating to the last one where he told me I always acted like a “boring loser” and he couldn’t take it anymore. By “always” he meant how I exercise every day and eat healthy and how serious I am about my job. It was like a lot of pent-up anger came pouring out.
When I asked why he was with me if he felt that way, he laughed and said because I was hot and it made his friends jealous.
He’s been texting me a flood of apologies, saying he didn’t mean it, he made it all up because he was mad. It sounded like truth to me. Is it possible he made that all up? He’s pushed me to “loosen up” before but never called me boring. I really thought he loved me. I’m so brokenhearted. How do I figure out how he really feels?
— My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Boring
My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Boring: He seems nice.
You know from his past behavior whether he accidentally lost his cool or accidentally told the truth. There’s always a trail. We don’t always see it in the moment, but, when we look back through the lens of new information, it’s usually there in plain sight.
Even if he just made that all up, then you have to reckon with the fact that when this guy gets angry, he becomes a verbally abusive jerk. And then tries to charm-wash it all away.
But, ahem: “He’s pushed me to ‘loosen up’ before.”
So, instead of wondering whether he ever loved you, it’s time to ask yourself whether you really love him — and why.
You don’t stay because you think you owe someone forgiveness; you stay because you feel your best with this person.
OTHER readers’ thoughts:
— Maybe he did make it up, but regardless, he’s demonstrated that’s where his mind goes when he’s out to hurt someone. There are people to whom it would never occur to go there, no matter how badly they feel provoked.
— Run run run. And as much as it hurts, be grateful this guy showed you his true colors before you were married. My ex also said nasty, vicious things that he would later apologize for and insist he didn’t mean. I want to signal boost something in Carolyn’s answer: This is an abusive tactic, to make up and say nasty things to get the upper hand in an argument. The profuse apologies are right on schedule. He is trying to get you to believe his actions during the fight didn’t count and aren’t real. This is known as the honeymoon phase after an abusive episode.
Once someone treats you with that level of contempt and bullying, you cannot trust the good times to stay. It is also very common for abusers to show their nasty side for the first time when you have reached a new level of commitment. I vividly recall the first time my ex unloaded a shocking, mean barrage on me. We had been talking marriage. Up until then he was the best boyfriend I ever had. Like yours, he apologized profusely, he didn’t mean it, he even promised to work on his “anger” with a therapist.
If I could go back in time, I would break up with him then and there. Instead we got married, and his verbal abuse slowly escalated.
