Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I live together. He refuses to lock the dead bolt. He says, “I won’t live in fear.” He locks the doorknob, which I think is basically as effective as a “do not enter” sign.
To be fair, we have three dogs, one of whom sounds like a murderer.
It was all I could do to get him to lock MY car, which he does.
The boyfriend is otherwise a keeper, but when I think about the fact that he often works at night and I’m home alone and he doesn’t like to lock doors, I get so angry I sometimes daydream about moving out. Am I overreacting?
— Safety Minded
Safety Minded: “Otherwise a keeper” = not a keeper.
There isn’t one right way to handle safety and security. I’ll back an unlocked-door person and a deadbolt-dogs-and-alarms person. We bring our own risk tolerances, histories and environmental realities to the calculations we make.
But “I won’t live in fear” is a me-answer to you-concerns about safety. No one asked you to live in fear, dude! She asked you to turn the freaking knob. The battle he’s choosing, to refuse to cross the Rubicon from doorknob lock to dead bolt, is one of the more mind-bendingly ridiculous ones I’ve seen. Way to flex those freedoms, sir.
Plus, “live in fear” is a propaganda relic, and anyone who spews justifications from that lexicon is under a cloud of suspicion to begin with, of replacing independent thought with the talking points of people with agendas having nothing to do with one’s girlfriend’s ability to feel safe in her own home.
The least complicated time to get out of a relationship with a me-first person is as soon as possible. Live the daydream.
Re: Safety: To distill Carolyn’s point a bit, you are asking him to do something that will cost him very little but would mean a lot to you. It takes approximately zero effort to turn a dead bolt, and it shows care to you. If he’s not willing to show that care, then that’s a serious problem even if the issue doesn’t seem serious to him.
— Distiller
Distiller: Well distilled, thanks — and projected.
Re: Safety: My wife is a door locker, sometimes leaving me stranded in the backyard since the screen door has no key, and I am a “don’t want to live in fear” person. I got my nose in a wrinkle about this when we moved into our current house about eight years ago, but then she explained her fears (similar to yours) and I slowly realized that for a 5-foot-6 female, safety is a different definition than for a 6-foot-1 male. I have a luxury of not being as afraid that she doesn’t have. Fast-forward seven years later and I sometimes forget, but I lock the doors and with only the slightest of muttering walk around the house when she locks me in the yard. It’s a matter of respecting her perspective and understanding that, in this case, it trumps my minor inconvenience.
— Get It
Get It: I hear angels singing. Thank you.
If you follow the sound, then it might take you to a locksmith who can rig something up for your screen door. Eight years. Just sayin’.
Re: Dead bolt: Does the answer change if this is one of 500 things she needs him to do to make her “feel safe” and she still doesn’t “feel safe” and he’s at the end of his anxiety supporting tether?
