Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of five years, “Max,” misses “novelty” in our relationship. We are in our mid-20s with career-oriented lives, and we make quality time together a priority. We have explored hobbies, traveled and share many friends. He says I’m perfect for him and he could see married life together in the future but is not ready to settle down yet.
He seeks novelty by meeting other women for one-night stands under the pretense of ethical non-monogamy, since I know what’s going on. However, I don’t like it, and I have told him so. He states this is a need I cannot fulfill and he cannot be happy without. He would stop if I demanded it, rather than break up.
I don’t like ultimatums. We’re still together because he says this desire for novelty is “just a phase,” and I could see myself with him long-term in a monogamous relationship. I also don’t want to be closed-minded about relationships involving multiple partners.
Should I believe him and stick it out? Or am I enabling immature, self-centered behavior?
— Confused
Confused: I have no idea whether you should believe him. It does appear that doing so breaks in his favor about 100 percent to 0, which would explain why he sees you as “perfect” for him, but maybe that’s just me.
Here’s the more urgent question: Should you believe yourself?
Your letter is uncanny at opening doors for Max to act in his own interests — he feels this, he envisions that, he’s not ready for whatever, he would do X upon request, he sees the future and exists in a realm above human nature!!! — while closing doors to your acting in your own interests. You “don’t like ultimatums”? You “don’t want to be closed-minded”?
