Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been married for less than two months, and my in-laws are already sniffing around, wondering when there will be a grandchild. We plan to start trying soon, but not immediately, for reasons that are none of their business. I don’t want to be a total killjoy or start off on a bad foot with them. How do I establish some boundaries around this, and also not feel like I’m just a walking vessel for their hoped-for grandchild?
— Pressured to Procreate
Pressured to Procreate: I don’t know, I’d be more inclined to surrender to the feeling and accept the fact of their seeing me as grandchild vessel. Going with the current is always easier. Plus, it says nothing about you and your worthiness as a human; it’s 100 percent a statement about their myopia. They’ve lost their minds perspective and you can anticipate/pity/forgive them accordingly.
And hey, at least they are not so hostile to your presence in their family that they’re anti-grandchild! I know could-be-worse-isms rarely help, but this one feels worse enough to warrant a mention.
As for the boundaries, their inappropriate lobbying presents you with fine opportunities for the one-two combination of direct-but-kind comment plus pointed repetition.
1: “I understand you’re interested in grandchildren, but I would be grateful for some privacy. Thank you so much.”
2 through infinity: Whatever you want to say, as long as it’s not mean-spirited and as long as you repeat it verbatim. For example, “No news is no news.” Or, “You know how I feel about this.” Or, “Bless your heart.” Or, [gentle pat-pat to in-law’s arm, smile, change subject/leave room]. Or, “[Husband], it’s for you.” Or, “Remember, no uterus talk.” Whatever you can see yourself saying. Over and over, to create the brick wall they may eventually notice they’re not getting through.
Re: Vessel: A former colleague came up with (I thought) a very clever solution. After an annoying number of inquiries, she and her spouse told the in-laws once: “We hope and plan to have children, three-ish years from now. We are letting you know, so you don’t have to ask anymore. Each time you do, we will push it back one month.”
No one ever asked again.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: That’s got some vigilante energy, thanks.
Other readers’ thoughts:
∙When my husband and I got engaged, my mother-in-law threw a family party where, in the blessing she gave before eating, she blessed my womb. Walking vessel, indeed.
∙At my wedding reception, my new sister-in-law put her hands on my stomach, above my uterus, and started praying over it. Our relationship has not improved.
