Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Recently, my parents, 62 and 58, watched my young children, 2 and 5, while my husband and I went on a four-day trip for our anniversary. They live about five hours away, so this is not a regular request.
Following the trip, my parents stated that they could not watch the children again, as it was “too stressful at their age.” I am shocked and hurt.
I get that I can’t force them to spend time with their grandchildren, nor do I want someone who doesn’t want to spend time with my kids around them! But it was hurtful to hear. I’m vacillating between trying to let it go and being so angry that I want to shut them down for still requesting to see the children on their terms.
So, do I work on letting go? Set tighter boundaries? Let the pettiness reign and ignore them?
— Grandparent Grapple
Grandparent Grapple: So … it’s too stressful for their age. What’s the problem here?
Being fully responsible for kids of any ages, but especially ones so needy, for days at a time actually is too much for some people. Of any age. Especially when they’re getting dropped into the 24-7 responsibility role for multiple days without building up to that point with an afternoon, then a full day, then an overnight, then a weekend, etc., as local grands might have been able to do. They went from 0 to 96 hours, no brakes.
There needn’t be anything personal about “no” regardless. My kids were too much for some of my relatives, entirely or for certain time stretches, and I had a choice: get mad or be glad to know.
So be grateful your parents were honest. Be really freaking grateful they did this for you the one time they did, and make other arrangements next time.
Most important, ask yourself why you’re taking this as a nuclear-grade insult. They’re not saying you have to “force them to spend time with their grandchildren.” They’re not saying your kids suck. They’re saying that caring for them solo for days is too much. Face value.
Meanwhile, seeing the kids “on their terms” is what grandparents do — that’s what’s so coveted about the role. Grands get to love the children bunches and breathe in all that 2-year-old cuteness and then, ahhh, leave before they get worn to a nub by all the seriously hard work.
It’s worth paying some attention to maintaining proportionate reactions when it comes to how you see your kids vs. how others do, including your own parents, and whether there’s history you didn’t mention that’s acting as an accelerant on your emotions.
You and your husband appropriately think your kids are the center of the universe, but that doesn’t make them the center of anyone else’s — not even Grandma’s. People can love your kids to the moon and three times around and back, and still look relieved to hand them off to you at the end of the day. Especially when they’re so little.
Understanding this is healthy, and doesn’t mean they’re bad grandparents or you’re bad parents or you have bad kids.
