Dear Carolyn: I haven’t really dated anyone steadily in more than a year, and when I complained about it, my friend told me that I’m going to be single forever if I don’t lower my standards. She pointed out that I’ve had a lot of first and second dates that didn’t go further because I rejected them.
My supposedly too-high standards are: I want someone within a few years of my age (27) who has a steady job, a car or other reliable form of transportation, nice manners, no criminal record, no mental health issues and no drug/alcohol/gambling problems, and who takes good care of himself and his place and who treats me well. I easily meet or exceed all of those standards, so I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I thought that was more like a minimum of what anyone would expect. Am I doomed to be single because my standards are too high? — Anonymous
Anonymous: Your standards seem fine for dates, but it sounds like you need much higher ones for your sources of friendly advice.
The only rational response to counsel like your friend’s is to ask her what she could possibly be thinking, and whether she secretly hates you and wants you to be miserable. Ask nicely, of course.
Her judgment scrapes bottom twice. First, age limits aside, and assuming mental health “issues” mean under-managed conditions, all you’re holding out for is someone who has independence, coping skills and basic respect for others — and she’s pushing you to accept less than that. We could stop there with a “wow.”
Second, she is giving tacit support for the idea that dating anyone is better than dating no one. It’s never a bad idea, especially for a friend, to have a little faith in your ability to build a rich and fulfilling life with your resources alone. Plus, nearly half of U.S. adults are unattached, per the Census Bureau, and a big share of those aren’t even looking (Pew Research Center, 2020).
Singles may not need you to validate their way of life — but maybe you need you to, toward your own perspective and patience. Your friend can’t get anywhere with those corrosive messages unless you’re receptive to them, and that’s on you.
Not one of us is in complete control of who crosses our paths, who catches our attention, who loves us back. That’s why it’s so important to invest in whatever is up to you: namely, building a life that’s gratifying enough to absorb fairly routine disappointments, such as an extended romantic drought.
Some basic reframing skills might be all you need. High standards or pickiness or whatever you want to call underwhelming dates is just another way of saying you have a good life that you’re in no hurry to change without a good enough reason. Maybe your only mistake has been to complain about this legitimate source of confidence.
Last thing, to be thorough: Some reasons for rejection are legitimately petty. “Likes pineapple on pizza.” Wait, maybe that’s legit. Anyway, if that’s where you are, then treat that as looking for any excuse to say no — the answer to which isn’t to force yourself into a second date. It’s to accept that’s where you are, and trust your reasons. Any no is a good no until it feels right to say yes. Just make sure you don’t stick all these guys with the check.
