Hello, Carolyn: I’ve been married to my partner for over 20 years. We have tween and teenage kids.
I feel unhappy a good bit of the time. I feel like I don’t want to be married and I don’t feel in love. I don’t want to leave either. I am not dreaming of someone else or dating. The idea of living alone can seem somewhat appealing at times but not entirely.
I mostly just feel unfulfilled and sad. I still want to be a family, happy and with everyone thriving as best as possible, and do the right thing by everyone. But I am doubting my marriage.
My partner is a wonderful person. Like everyone, we each have awesome things about us and also flaws. To be fair to myself, there is a lot I put up with — I do a lot, carry a lot of the labor on my shoulders, have put myself last for a long time — but for the past few years I have been trying to take better care of myself and 100 percent have their support. They are trying to give me what I need.
My sex life with my partner is still decent and we still have meaningful and honest discussions, although some things I keep to myself.
We are in individual and couples’ therapy. It helps; at least there I can broach the idea that marriage is hard. My partner is aware of a lot of this (but not all of it) and their insecurity (combined with their own issues) can make things worse.
I am praying this is just some awful phase. Can you tell me — based on years of listening to people stress about their marriages — this will pass and one day I will be grateful I stuck with it? — Anonymous
Anonymous: I can tell you that marriages have clear phases, yes.
I can tell you that I hear from long-married people who are grateful they stayed married through even some horrible phases because they are, stably, in much better ones now. Often because of what their misery taught them but sometimes just because.
I can tell you that teens can launch some of the hardest phases in their parents’ marriages.
I can’t tell you whether any of this applies to you.
But if you’re looking for reasons to stay, then you have them — and not just from the pool of collective wisdom. Top of the list: You don’t want to leave, so it would be madness to push yourself off the fence on the “leave” side.
Also, your partner is “a wonderful person.” That may not feel like enough now — or ever — but it’s necessary to any non-transactional justification for staying.
And your family is rallying for you, now that you’ve started to articulate what you need. That’s kind of beautiful. I’m guessing it’s also good for your kids (immediately) and your marriage (in time).
You can add to these reasons by harnessing the power of your mind. Right now you’re “praying this is just some awful phase,” which positions you to wait expectantly. You can upgrade praying to choosing. Your fundamentals are healthy, so you can decide this is a phase that will eventually pass, then mentally close the question.
