Dear Carolyn: My husband is leaving me because he’s in love with someone else. I’m 29 weeks pregnant, we have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and we just moved to a different state a few months ago. Now I’m in a new state without friends or family, pregnant and abandoned by my husband, trying to explain to my children why daddy won’t come home anymore.
I’m just shattered. I have no one to turn to right now, and my friends and family are all in a completely different state. I want to move back but how would that even work? I’m not even sure my old job would rehire me since I trained my replacement, and I’m pregnant, I don’t even know how I’d begin a job search.
Please tell me it gets better, because I’m reeling and I don’t know what to do. — Reeling
Reeling: Wow.
Okay. This answer could go two ways, the comfort route or the practical. And I’m thinking practical right now, because that can take you to much better sources of comfort than I could ever be.
It’s not true you have “no one to turn to.” You have these out-of-state friends and family. They can’t babysit for you on short notice, no, but you can call them, lean on them, brainstorm with them, go stay with them or have one or three of them come stay with you as you pack up to move closer to them.
You might also be surprised at how many new acquaintances, even near-strangers, will rally for someone in your spot. (Wouldn’t you?) So don’t be shy.
And don’t wonder whether your old job would rehire you. Ask. Say the move didn’t work out and you’re coming back and are there any openings?
That is, if you think going back is the answer. You could also go full
badass and put down roots where you are — I have no doubt you could manage it, because people do, and as all five of us know who saw the Anthony Hopkins movie “The Edge”: “What one man can do, another can do” — and a woman can do backward and in heels.
Just a little #$%!-my-life humor.
The answer in general to the “How would that even work?” question is, always, one increment at a time. If you need a place to get the big feelings out, so you can be capable again of calm, higher-order planning, then I suggest therapy ASAP.
Hang in there. He left because he’s not strong; you’ll get through this because you are.
Re: Newly single: Many hugs — you’re not alone!! For right now, one foot in front of the other. Reach out to anyone you know who seems discreet, or to clergy, and ask for a few things: lawyer recommendations, mom group recommendations, therapist recommendation. Maybe you can talk to your kids’ pediatrician.
You’re probably at higher risk for postpartum depression now. Be really nice to yourself. I’m a single mom, and this stuff is HARD. It’s okay if the kids eat cereal or PBJ for dinner a few nights a week, watch too much TV, etc. You are doing amazing, you’ll get through the day, week, month, year, and will be okay at the end of it. — Single Mom
