Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: High school kid here (16). My parents want me to do summer school and therapy because my grades have slipped. By “slipped,” I mean I got a few A-minuses and am no longer No. 1 in my class. I really don’t want to sit in front of a screen or in a classroom all summer and suggested I get a job, preferably outdoors, but they aren’t budging. I wouldn’t mind therapy, but they want a “life coach” type who can help me perform better instead of “starting to mess up.” (Their words.)
Assuming I should just suck it up, how can I feel better about this? I know they want the best for me and don’t want me to miss out on opportunities, but I’m starting to feel as if I need to be perfect to be loved.
— Summer School Blues
Summer School Blues: Oh, my. Would you please put this lovely, wrenching account to paper, to hand to your parents? Asking children to perform instead of live is parental malpractice.
Your last sentence is the part they urgently need to see.
If it helps you get through to them: Outside pressure sabotages motivation and ability to perform. If you resent having to study all summer, to meet their standards, then you just might perform (this time) to get them off your back — but it’ll stoke resentment and burn off your energy, and you won’t get a summer to replenish yourself after a difficult year.
So, no replenishment + extra burn + resentment = sputtering out, if not this July then in late fall or next spring or even in some year of your sure-to-be-excellent college.
You’re old enough to put your own value on your schooling, so if they want you to have internal motivation — the only type that lasts — then they need to stop ramming their ambitions in where they perceive yours to be flagging. Such motivation demands that they start trusting you to judge what you need, to be wrong, to figure it out.
Plus, the consequences of stumbling are smaller now. If you burn out as an adult, then you could lose your livelihood, life partner, savings. If you lose your focus now, you get a B. Big deal. Great schools will still want you.
And I haven’t even gotten into this part: Millions of students are behind or struggling with pandemic educational ripple effects. You deserve a fat hug for holding it all together so well.
Your parents are worried about you. That’s understandable. But hoping to achieve you out of their worry almost always backfires. You’re right to think “suck it up,” only because, at your age, you have limited options to resist besides burning it all down, which hurts you more than it does anyone else. But you can make your case, respect yourself, grow wise right under their thumbs. You don’t need their permission to be whole inside.
READERS’’ thoughts:
∙ If summer school is online, see whether you can marshal some arguments on why adolescents need to spend time outside and off screens. Perhaps you can spin a summer experience with your parents as refueling for a grueling year AND giving you ideas for those future college essays.
∙ Professor here, seconding Carolyn’s advice and sending lots of encouragement. You are not alone in trying to navigate a complicated relationship with your parents. You articulate so precisely what you need and what the stakes are that I have lots of confidence in your ability to navigate this. Cheering you on from afar!