Dear Carolyn: My husbands family is really academic, most are in school until their late 20s at least. My husband has a bachelors degree and I have some college but never finished. His family has always been welcoming and they arent snobby or anything with the exception of Thanksgiving. My in-laws host and make a great meal. My husbands siblings are never asked to contribute because they are in finals and dont have the time or money to bring anything. We are always asked to bring a dessert or something.
My husband thinks Im overreacting and doesnt care, but for some reason this really bugs me.
How do I let it go? Or is it worth it to bring it up? Really Bugged
Answer: Oh goodness no. Please dont.
There are only two possibilities here. One is that the face-value explanation is correct: The sibs are all broke and slammed with finals and you two are not broke and not slammed, so you are the only ones in a position to help.
You will find out whether this is true, by the way, if and when the now-students finish their programs and are asked to bring pie. Or not.
The second is that your gut instinct is correct that youre being treated as an academically second-class citizen.
If the latter is true, then in theory its not defensible, but in practice its not only a bit of a stretch (Let the unwashed bring us pie!), but its also playing out as enjoying 364 days, arguably 365, of welcoming and unsnobby people for the cost of one pie.
Its normal, even fine for our insecurities to raise their voices and drown out the more rational ones in our heads sometimes. We all just need to make sure we dont slip and speak them out loud.
