Dear Carolyn: My 8-year-old shared that his teammate told the team he “only plays baseball so his dad will like him.” When you watch the kid play, it is clear he is desperate for his dad’s approval. But it is not clear Dad has any idea his kid thinks he has to play for his dad “to like him.”
Should I tell the dad what my kid reported? Sorta heartbreaking if Dad truly doesn’t know . . . but not really my business . . . but the poor kid. — Tell?
Tell?: Uuuuugh.
I’m going to semi-answer, semi-crowdsource this one, because I approach this with some trepidation. I have been here to a degree, watching the occasional kid over the years clearly playing to satisfy an overinvested parent. I’ve never said anything, because I agree it’s not a bystander’s business.
You have facts, though. The kid actually said it out loud.
I still don’t think I would take it upon myself to alert the parent, but I’d file it away in case the opportunity ever arose to say something.
I also think you can accomplish more than you realize by talking to your kid about it, asking how s/he responded to this friend; how s/he feels about the idea of playing to please a parent; making sure your kid knows that playing is up to him or her; and, after the conversation, asking if s/he’d say anything different to his friend now.
I realize 8 is so very young, but these two 8-year-olds, respectively, just proved themselves self-aware enough to admit to daddy-pleasing behavior, and emotionally astute enough to report this as concerning to you. They’re on this, apparently more so than the dad in question.
So maybe your 8-year-old can support this friend. “Have you told your dad that?” is not crossing any lines and not beyond the age.
Maybe s/he’s not ready for even that, and so be it, nothing wrong with it — but at least talk to your kid about ways to support a friend who’s down. It’s a learned skill.
Readers’ thoughts:
• Sometimes kids say stuff in an attempt to work out how they’re feeling. Maybe he really does want his dad to like him. Maybe he was sharing an insight with his team to justify why he’s been playing badly. I wouldn’t get involved!
• I would wait and watch. Observe the dad. Be aware that you can only see what you can see in public and tread carefully.
• Mention this to the coach?
• The classic way is to wear the problem yourself, to say to the other father, “Let me ask you: My son knows what a big fan I am, and sometimes I worry he is only playing to try to please me. Have you had to deal with this?”
