Dear Carolyn: When I started dating “Tim,” my friends were very excited. I don’t usually date, especially long-term. Tim is a great guy, really nice, very funny and endlessly sweet. Almost too sweet. He constantly overextends himself, drives hours out of his way after work to help a friend of a friend and, because of this, has a hard time keeping plans. He is very well-intentioned, and I trust him. I have no doubts about our relationship. None of this bothers me. It honestly inspires me to become a better person and help others like Tim does.
However, my friends think I’m being strung along, mistreated, overlooked and ignored. Some have met Tim and are charmed by his charisma, personality and sense of humor. Others are bristly when I even bring up his name. It bothers me that my friends can’t just be happy for me. I’ve always been wildly independent, without a need for a man constantly around, and it truly does not bother me that Tim is busy lending a hand, even if it’s at the expense of our alone time.
I guess I’m asking, where is the line between helping someone else and mistreating your girlfriend? Am I tiptoeing on it? Is Tim neglecting me, or are my friends projecting?
— Girlfriend
Girlfriend: Are you ever on the receiving end of Tim’s big freewheeling acts of generosity? Or are you the dependable uncomplaining source of stability as he freewheels so freely?
Regardless, are you thrilled to be the part of Tim’s life that he possibly takes for granted as he seeks . . . whatever it is he seeks?
Don’t ask me how I know to ask this.
Re: Tim: “Dependable uncomplaining source of stability” sounds like a role I’d be crazy comfortable in. But then I do have the emotional needs of a cactus, and my one dealbreaker is, “must be able to leave me alone for long periods of time.” I could seriously see myself with some lab scientist who constantly loses track of time so I could just leave a bagged lunch outside their door.
— Cactus
Cactus: I <3 this answer so much it feels like cheating.
Is that a heart symbol, by the way, or a double ice cream cone.
Re: Tim: I was married to “Tim.” My Tim needed to feel needed. Needed to be “the hero,” the guy everyone (but I) could count on. Needed for everyone (but me) to see him as “such a great guy.” I am also highly independent and didn’t need Tim — wanted him, yes, but needed, no. When my Tim said to me, in front of our marriage counselor, “I married you, what else do you want,” I knew we were done. My Tim had some very narcissistic traits. Really examine your Tim’s motives.
— Tim’s Ex
Re: Tim: Can you count on Tim to be there, present, for the Big Stuff? When my mother got Alzheimer’s, one of the first things my husband said was, “You know I’ve got your back and so have my family.” This made me cry. It’s one thing for Tim to call saying he’s not coming round that night, helping a friend instead. It’s another thing if he doesn’t put you first when the big stuff hits.
— First
