Dear Carolyn: Here we go again. My husband’s family has two nephews to buy presents for, our two boys. Our older was and is the darling of all my in-laws and has many interests they share. Our younger is simply neither of those.
Most of these relatives give our older son flashier and more expensive presents, and the younger, 13, clued into this last year. Think fancy Bluetooth speaker vs. bean bag chair, at a $100 difference. Even my mother-in-law gives them different amounts of cash for birthdays, rationalizing the older needs it more. Argh!
I was raised by parents who saw equal amounts spent as fair. Husband was not, and is loath to make waves. If our younger son were unfazed by repeat unequal gifts, then I’d bite my tongue — and slip in some extra cash to make things equal — but he’s not. What to do?
— Fazed
Fazed: I see two choices, really: Tell the in-laws about the effects of their unequal giving, as you’ve perceived them; or tell your kids you’re aware of the problem.
Your husband has a say, of course, but his refusal to “make waves” also doesn’t have to stand as the last word. You have equal claim on that. So ask him to talk to his parents about this, and say if he’d rather not do that, then you’re going to raise it with the boys directly.
When you do, tell them you think it’s terrible, common but terrible, to show siblings unequal attention, and it breaks your heart.
If you’re concerned your younger will feel bad to get this message, remember — he’s already receiving it from your in-laws. He already feels bad. Your naming it and condemning it sends him the counter-message that he matters and you have his back.
At this point, though, don’t just declare how you plan to do that. Instead, ask them how they feel about the situation. Not what they want you to do about it, just how they feel. And don’t just ask your younger, ask both of your boys, because favoritism hurts both of them and, often, hurts the relationship between them.
They may surprise you with an answer that makes more emotional sense than anything you’d assume or undertake on their behalf. But even if they don’t, they’ll be getting a practical exercise in empathy, ethics, family and standing up for themselves.
Some readers’ thoughts:
•I was the younger sibling growing up who got the less valuable presents because I didn’t share family interests. I received two left boots, as my only present, for multiple years while my brother got expensive gaming systems. Carolyn’s advice is spot on: Kids remember who values them, and showing you care how this affects them now will mean a great deal in the long run.
•For one set of grandparents, I was the Golden Child. “Here, Lesser Child, here is an empty box. You, Golden Child, here: We must open the trunk of the car for all the loot Santa left for you at our house!” Christmas was embarrassing.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
