Hi, Carolyn: In an attempt to rekindle the intimacy in my marriage, I have had discussions with my husband about how we as a couple can evolve. I am feeling that it is not possible to live up to his expectations. Here are two examples:
Me: I’d like us to make time for intimacy.
Him: If you made an effort to be more feminine, I would be more attracted to you.
Eight months later:
Me: same request.
Him: If you were more detail oriented about how you do things, I would find you more attractive.
When asked to be specific, he used the example of me rarely rechecking the tire pressure on my bike before going on a short ride.
My perceived lack of detail is seen as a shortcoming.
Is this unfair? Isn’t this subjective? One person’s idea of detail is probably not the same as someone else’s.
For the record, my suggestions for counseling have been rejected.
— Confused
Confused: I can’t conceive of wanting intimacy with someone who says things like this to anyone. Loneliness sounds like an upgrade.
There has to be more to the story. Something like: You and he had years of happiness before the need for rekindling, a shared sense of purpose. You enjoyed displays of his respect.
Without something powerful in your hisstory together to keep you there, or without a game-changing explanation, like a personality change due to illness, I can’t see overcoming his cruelty.
So casual, so selfish, so dehumanizing.
Here’s the one thing that would make something close to sense as an explanation for his responding as dismissively as he did: He has his own reasons for the lack of intimacy — he can’t anymore, physically, is my guess — and he feels ashamed of that, and his responses are desperate attempts to offload this shame onto you.
That’s horrible in its own right, to believe it’s okay to deal with suffering by trying to make someone else suffer instead; what mature, whole person feels better for doing that?
But at least the avoidance of one’s own pain is a recognizable emotional impulse. While that message wouldn’t be a welcome one, either, at least if he had said that directly, then you wouldn’t be twisting right now, wondering how to live up to his arbitrary “expectations” in hopes he’ll again find you worthy of his attention. You’d know where you stand.
Of course, his indirect message to you also makes it pretty clear where you stand in your marriage: alone. Counseling sounds like the right idea. Since he won’t go, it’ll just be for you, to help you explore what’s going on with your husband emotionally and/or physically — and how, regardless, to give yourself the love and respect you deserve and go where that leads you. Please take good care.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.
