Hi, Carolyn: In an attempt to rekindle the intimacy in my marriage, I have had discussions with my husband about how we as a couple can evolve. I am feeling that it is not possible to live up to his expectations. Here are two examples:
Me: I’d like us to make time for intimacy.
Him: If you made an effort to be more feminine, I would be more attracted to you.
Eight months later:
Me: same request.
Him: If you were more detail oriented about how you do things, I would find you more attractive.
When asked to be specific, he used the example of me rarely rechecking the tire pressure on my bike before going on a short ride.
My perceived lack of detail is seen as a shortcoming.
Is this unfair? Isn’t this subjective? One person’s idea of detail is probably not the same as someone else’s.
For the record, my suggestions for counseling have been rejected.
— Confused
Confused: I can’t conceive of wanting intimacy with someone who says things like this to anyone. Loneliness sounds like an upgrade.
There has to be more to the story. Something like: You and he had years of happiness before the need for rekindling, a shared sense of purpose. You enjoyed displays of his respect.
Without something powerful in your hisstory together to keep you there, or without a game-changing explanation, like a personality change due to illness, I can’t see overcoming his cruelty.
So casual, so selfish, so dehumanizing.
