Hi, Carolyn: In an attempt to rekindle the intimacy in my marriage, I have had discussions with my husband about how we as a couple can evolve. I am feeling that it is not possible to live up to his expectations. Here are two examples:
Me: I’d like us to make time for intimacy.
Him: If you made an effort to be more feminine, I would be more attracted to you.
Eight months later:
Me: same request.
Him: If you were more detail oriented about how you do things, I would find you more attractive.
When asked to be specific, he used the example of me rarely rechecking the tire pressure on my bike before going on a short ride.
My perceived lack of detail is seen as a shortcoming.
Is this unfair? Isn’t this subjective? One person’s idea of detail is probably not the same as someone else’s.
For the record, my suggestions for counseling have been rejected.
— Confused
Confused: I can’t conceive of wanting intimacy with someone who says things like this to anyone. Loneliness sounds like an upgrade.
There has to be more to the story. Something like: You and he had years of happiness before the need for rekindling, a shared sense of purpose. You enjoyed displays of his respect.
Without something powerful in your hisstory together to keep you there, or without a game-changing explanation, like a personality change due to illness, I can’t see overcoming his cruelty.
So casual, so selfish, so dehumanizing.
Here’s the one thing that would make something close to sense as an explanation for his responding as dismissively as he did: He has his own reasons for the lack of intimacy — he can’t anymore, physically, is my guess — and he feels ashamed of that, and his responses are desperate attempts to offload this shame onto you.
