Dear Carolyn:
Two years ago, my wife and I took in her two half-siblings, ages 5 and 8. It was an emergency situation, her mom had real problems I dont want to get into, and their dad was overwhelmed and we really had to step up.
Now my mother-in-law is completely out of the picture, but the kids father would like to resume full custody.
I was so relieved at the news. I was glad to help when we had to, but were still in our 20s, and I would like to get back to the carefree life we had before. We only have a couple of years before we start trying for kids of our own.
My wife wants to have the children visit their father on weekends until shes sure he can hack it as a single father. It will help to have our weekends back but well still be dealing with the drudgery during the week.
And what really worries me is that my wife cant explain exactly what will signal the dad is ready. I understand her reluctance to let go, but I say let the dad take full custody now and if he cant handle it, then they can come back. None of these custody arrangements were ever made legal, so who are we to deny him, right? Isnt my plan a reasonable one for all concerned?
Worried
Im sorry, no, its not and your plan almost lost me entirely.
Im with you fully on what you agreed to do and what youve given up. You are young. You are cleaning up someone elses mess, and it does sound as if you had no real say. You were an utter champ for these kids.
Nothing takes away from that.
But the let the dad take full custody now and if he cant handle it, then they can come back isnt reasonable for all concerned it benefits no one but you and could re-traumatize the kids. And it could even hurt you in the end, if the father gets overwhelmed and walks away.
Thats for later, though. For now, you have two fragile kids. The best thing for them is to ensure stability, then introduce changes gradually. You dont just tear them from their home and safe place of two years.
So you do as your wife suggests: Send them for weekends with Dad so they all can acclimate.
When theyre comfortable, thats when they live full time with Dad, and you can buy rounds instead of string cheese.
