Dear Carolyn: Can I tell my adult child she needs therapy? She was always temperamental. In addition, my ex-husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive. We finally divorced when she was 12.
Before the divorce, our household was very volatile from both my ex’s and her outbursts and my not handling any of the outbursts well. Initially after the divorce, my household was very calm, but as she neared the end of high school, my daughter completely went off the rails and our relationship also turned very volatile. My ex and daughter had an explosive relationship throughout.
Through all this I never got her into therapy because she was uninterested at first, then later it came across more like I was threatening her with it — my super-bad.
Now she is 20 and away at school. I worry that she didn’t learn proper coping mechanisms, growing up in an unhealthy emotional environment. I even worry she may have borderline personality disorder. She is a great person, and I hate that she may end up unhappy because she blows up her relationships through unhealthy behavior. I love her and feel like I failed her.
Would I be overstepping if I suggested therapy? And if not, how can I suggest it so it’s clear it’s coming from a place of love and not a criticism of her?
— Worried
Worried: Have you gone to therapy yourself? You are refreshingly open about your own contribution to the unhealthy home environment, so please don’t take this as slapping you down for your honesty. It’s just that you now need to have an adult relationship with your daughter, which is a big transition regardless, and on top of that she might need you to be healthy for both of you, and so you could benefit from some new skills or reinforcement of old ones.
Re: Worried: My daughter was 20 when she was hitting every textbook mark for BPD as she took off for a new school. I knew she was going to crash and burn, and I was worried she would be dangerously distressed but would not take advice or help from me.
She did get worse and had to take medical leave. I drove up to get her and didn’t bring any of it up, no advice, no opinion. I think she appreciated that. Moved in with roommates, went back to the local university, made good grades. Eventually she told me she had found mental health care/medication on her own. Today, at 31, she has a stable marriage, two kids and a master’s. And all I did was stay out of her way.
Chances are you won’t make things better by telling your daughter what is probably obvious to her. Stay in touch and don’t say anything she might twist around. Give her a chance to take care of herself; the very act of her doing so can go a long way toward getting better.
It’s scary to hold back. But if she sees herself as an adult, you have to see her that way, too.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Thank you.
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