Hi, Carolyn: I am half of a married gay couple. My husband and I are backing out of an adoption scheduled to go through this winter. When we got married, I was 50/50 on having a child and he was totally on Team “Let’s Just Be DINKs,” but I began to want a kid more so we did the application.
Things have since changed, and I don’t want a baby anymore. I have come around to my husband’s point and prefer to focus on each other and our careers. That’s about as selfish a reason as exists for backing out, but it is the reason, and we are not leaving a particular child in the lurch (we would never do that).
I find myself unable to admit to friends we’re backing out, so we are lying by omission to a lot of them. Is there a defensible way to explain that we have decided against having a child?
— Backing Out
Backing Out: Noooooooooo to this: “That’s about as selfish a reason as exists for backing out.”
That is just not true. Selfishness is having a child you aren’t 100 percent committed to only for appearances.
What you did was honest and brave.
Just own your decision with as little explanation as possible. “We’re not going through with it after all.” It’s no one’s business beyond that, but if anyone asks, “It’s complicated.”
There’s also, “Please respect our privacy,” as needed for the hard cases. They’ll assume reasons much worse than they are, but anyone nosy enough to get this deep into your supply of deflections would probably make stuff up anyway, without prompting. Don’t feed them.
Re: Backing out: You could just tell people it “didn’t work out.” If they press you for details, you can just say you really don’t want to talk about it.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Thanks.
Dear Carolyn: When a friend has been angry with you for your behavior, and you apologize, should you talk about the 25 percent of the friendship problems they caused? Or just eat crow and hope for the best?
— Making Up
Making Up: Not sure “eat crow and hope for the best” is ever the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
