Dear Carolyn: I’m a middle-aged, longtime-divorced, peaceful, content woman. I was pressured into dating a recently divorced man in his 60s; I wanted friendship, he wanted romance. We’ve been dating a few years, but had repeated issues with his constant push/desire for sexual intimacy, it’s never enough, while I keep telling him we need a friendship first.
We were fine visiting each other weekly, in neighboring counties, even when covid social distancing began, and we have both worked from home.
Recently his boss said he had to go into his office 20 hours a week, and he said yes. I was upset because a co-worker his age died of covid and another co-worker tested positive. He is retired with a nice pension but likes the lifestyle he can afford with the second job.
I finally got very angry with him today because he keeps telling me we are symptom-free so I can come over and stay with him on weekends or more. It made me furious that he thinks he is an exception and, even more so, doesn’t seem to care that it exposes me to extra risk. I am not willing to take on extra covid risks just because he can’t cope with being alone.
I am emotionally attached. I have been fine with our romance, but really don’t want to lose our friendship. I heard in bad times you see the worst and best in people, so am I overreacting by seeing my overly generous, kind-acting, intelligent boyfriend as a completely selfish man on the inside? — Overreacting?
Overreacting?: The bodice-ripper I’m writing now has a title: “Fine With Our Romance.”
You aren’t overreacting, you’re belatedly reacting — belated by a few years. It’s a form of underreacting.
Seriously underreacting.
Since the pandemic is currently months old and your relationship years old, you can do the math: You’re underreacting to selfishness and manipulation he has displayed for you, right there on the outside, since the very beginning.
You didn’t even want to date him! But he pressured you into it.
You are not interested in a sexual relationship with him! But he pressures you into it. This pressure is, in your word, “constant.”
You aren’t comfortable closing the social distance with someone risking workplace exposure to the virus — but he’s pressuring you into it.
This “overly generous, kind-acting, intelligent boyfriend” has carried himself as if he’s above the rules from the moment you’ve met him.
NOBODY is above the rule that no means no.
Yes, I’m yelling.
