Dear Carolyn: I have been dating someone for three months. A mutual friend set us up, so he came with glowing references. We had talked a bunch about previous relationships — we’re both around 40, so we’ve been around a bit — and I knew he was on good terms with exes and they still see each other.
Fast-forward to a dinner party at his house. I didn’t know I was going to dinner with his ex-civilly unionized partner of five years turned best friend. That her name was still on the mailbox. That they’re best friends who do a lot together on a weekly basis.
He said she told him not to tell me because “women won’t like how close we are,” but he said he wouldn’t lie about their history. I don’t know how or whether to proceed when the person he talks to about our relationship encouraged deceit and omission when she thought I wouldn’t like something. That doesn’t sit well with me, and now I’m always questioning what’s getting omitted. — Look Who’s Coming to Dinner
Look Who’s Coming to Dinner: “I don’t mind that you’re close with exes. I respect it. What bothers me is that you either didn’t think for yourself and ran your decision through your bestie, or didn’t own your own stuff and blamed an ex for your own choices. One who, by the way, persuaded you that deceiving and sandbagging me was a good idea.”
I think that covers it.
I wouldn’t call this new relationship a promising one — but it would be interesting to see whether he responds productively to your assessment of his behavior. Maybe he’ll wow you. Good luck.
Dear Carolyn: My dad is super weird about money after my mom died, about 10 years ago. He remarried four months later. My parents had been thrifty and saved a good amount of money for retirement. He and his new wife bought luxury cars and an expensive vacation home.
He often tells me, “We have plenty of money, and we would be glad to help you out.” I have three kids under 8. When I actually suggest something — e.g., sports camp or money for kids’ college funds — he demurs, saying that’s nothing we NEED or he’ll help later with college.
I hate it. I always feel like a greedy churl after talking to him. However, my older sisters’ kids got sizable starts to their college funds when my mom was still alive. I feel like I owe it to my kids to keep asking, particularly since it is in large part my mother’s savings that she never got to use.
Should I just accept that he is all talk and will never give? — Anonymous
Anonymous: That tops the “should” list, yes. Your dad’s evasiveness suggests either he has spent the money down or his wife opposes his giving you any. Or he’s worried he’ll run out. Regardless, shame seems like the best explanation for his not providing details.
I generally don’t advise thinking the worst of people until they leave you no other choice. However, my advice to any adults who believe they’re due parental support or an inheritance is to assume it’s not coming. There are so many ways for adults not to cash in on their parents’ wealth that it verges on irresponsible to expect you ever will.
Your story includes a couple of those ways already — new spouse, extravagance. Another is the most straightforward: It’s not your money, it’s his.
And you may yet encounter other common obstacles to inheriting, like overestimating what they had to begin with, freakish longevity, poor investing or lawyering, shifting priorities and crippling end-of-life care expenses.
So, yeah.
