Dear Carolyn: My husband says he’s living his best life throughout the pandemic. For me, this has been a silver-lined struggle.
Before, he woke early and commuted an hour or more to work each way four days a week. He wore suits and had to attend “important” meetings. He traveled a lot and missed most family dinners. His weekends were full of kid activities and family time or more work. He didn’t take time for himself other than to do house projects. Since March, despite still having a 12-plus-hours-a-day job, he is happier and more present. I am awed by his superhuman ability to compartmentalize and avoid burnout.
I, meanwhile, am a stereotypical pandemic mom of kids under 7: I dialed back the paid work, ramped up the child supervision and shouldered all the household “stuff.” My whole life is operating at 11 and I’m cutting every corner I can find.
Our bills are paid, our fridge is full. And our loved ones, albeit far away, are healthy. We are FINE.
I’m proud I can foster such an incredible pandemic experience for dear husband, but his declaration that “everything is great” is demoralizing. I burned out back in June and again in November. He doesn’t understand why anyone in our situation is having a hard time. I tried to explain the constant tidal wave of terrible news and stress and anxiety and all your normal outlets are cut off from you and you never get a break and you feel guilt and stress and demands all the time of keeping your kids physically and mentally healthy. He dismissed that explanation.
Can you explain why everyone is struggling with pandemic-style living? Or maybe you have the magic bullet for how moms can thrive during this, too? This isn’t a race to see who has it worse, it’s an attempt to understand and respect everyone’s unique struggle so we can support each other.
— UnGreat Pandemic Wife
UnGreat Pandemic Wife: I can’t explain it any better than you did, or offer any relief you haven’t already tried. I can curl up in the fetal position on my closet floor in sympathy, if that helps.
I can also cite your message here as the right one to send your husband. Repeat till “aha”: “understand and respect everyone’s unique struggle.”
You don’t even need him to understand what yours is — just that you’re having one. Different from his. Because you’re different. That epiphany would improve your world on contact.
His feelings might explain his resistance. He was never home, now he’s always home. And his spouse is now miserable. So, while you may not connect your misery with his presence — blaming the pandemic only, with its added responsibilities and subtracted restorative outlets — he could easily do some math on his own and take your suffering personally. Hurt feelings block empathy more effectively than just about anything else.
So address both: “I love that you’re happy, and home with us. It helps. Are you able to see, though, ways that the pandemic experience has been very different for me?” Asking may activate sympathy better than telling. “Baseline — can we agree that I’m not you?”
Thereafter, streamline: “I don’t need you to understand my position, just that it’s different. Please grant me that.” Fingers crossed.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
