Hi, Carolyn: My fiance cheated on me about a month into our engagement. We discussed it extensively, he confessed to having unresolved feelings for his cheating partner, and we decided to indefinitely postpone the wedding until we figured it out.
He has since cut off all contact with his partner and is throwing himself fully into repairing our relationship, but I seem to be stony and unable to forgive.
It’s making it so that we can’t go to the next stage — reinstating our wedding plans and such. How do I get started?
— How to Forgive?
How to Forgive?: You signed this “How to forgive,” but I think the question you need to answer is why to forgive. And I think “get started” is a separate issue entirely from forgiveness.
You can forgive and also not reinstate your wedding plans “and such.” You can forgive your fiance and still make him an ex-fiance.
Forgiveness can be something you do for your own peace of mind. To decide erring is human and releasing your anger feels good.
Unless you’re confident about what you want and confident in your reasons for it, you’re not going to be able to do it, though. You’ll keep feeling stony and stuck.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please know that you’re not locked into any one choice here and you don’t owe anyone anything besides integrity. The way you “figure it out” is yours alone to decide.
But I urge you to forget about the wedding, remove it from your calculations altogether and see what you have — or don’t have — together. Clear your mind of dates and expectations. Good luck.
Here’s what readers had to say:
•If it hasn’t been that long, then you might feel clearer in a little while. I would also advise taking some time away from him. It sounds as if you need to get some air — he’s taking up all the energy.
•Forgiveness doesn’t always mean complete absolution, such that you need to never factor it in going forward. It means you accept that they didn’t intend to hurt you, had their reasons, whatever. That you recognize their humanity and ability to screw up and understand it and don’t hold it against them as a grievance that you have with them.
And at the same time, it is perfectly valid to forgive them while still deciding that trusting them again is a risk you choose not to take. That is not holding it against them. It is only recognizing where your feelings have shifted to, while not wishing them any future pain or penalty.
•Similar to what Carolyn said, but perhaps going one step further: You don’t have to forgive. It’s not a requirement; plenty of (reasonable) people see cheating in a committed monogamous relationship as a dealbreaker. So: Do you WANT to forgive?
