Hi, Carolyn: I have a “this bugs, I don’t know why it bugs, how to get it to stop bugging, please advise” question. So many people refer to their significant others as their best friend. That works for them, great! I am all for things that make my friends, and really anyone else, happy.
But they can’t seem to take this view of my relationship when I say that my boyfriend and my BFF are different people. BFF is a woman who is “my person,” to steal a phrase from “Grey’s Anatomy.” Boyfriend is my love. When I say this, when I refer to BFF as Best Friend and Boyfriend as not-Best Friend, you’d think I’d said that puppies were gross or something.
This reaction bugs me and I don’t know why. His not being my best friend doesn’t bother Boyfriend at all — I asked him about it. He said he knows we love each other and are important to each other, so he’s not hung up on labels. Which is very sensible.
So WHY does it bother me that some people don’t like the distinction between Boyfriend and BFF if his is the opinion that matters here? Please help me see this as someone’s silly opinion that doesn’t impact my relationships at all.
— Bugged
Bugged: Maybe it bugs you because people are up in your business and attempting to correct it for you uninvited?
That’s usually enough for most of us.
I am only one person, but, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t care one bit that you’ve delegated the love and best-friend roles to two separate people instead of combining them into one.
Maybe you can help yourself push through these resentments by saying to people, “I’m not sure I understand why you care that I’m doing this, when you are not me, my best friend or my boyfriend.” Cut to the point you want to get across to yourself.
Dear Carolyn: If you think you could benefit from therapy, does that mean you should probably go to therapy? I worry my problems aren’t bad enough to warrant it.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: The whole “my problems aren’t bad enough” argument against therapy is a canard. Your problem warrants therapy when you think you could benefit from talking to someone trained to untie emotional knots.
There’s also nothing wrong with going for, say, one session just to get an opinion on something you’re wrestling with. That’s how you find out if talking about it helps, and/or if you’ve chosen the right provider to help you.
If the whole exercise turns out to have been a waste of your time and money, then that’s unfortunate, especially if it involves financial hardship — but it still will have been no different from undergoing a medical checkup for a condition you turned out not to have.
If something doesn’t feel right, then we either carry it with us and see how we manage, or we get some help. Doctor, dentist, therapist — same level of “worry” applies.
