Dear Carolyn: I just relocated to a new city, as did a college friend. She doesn’t own a car, and because we’re often at the same events, she will ask me for rides. I’ve agreed out of obligation a few times, and now I’m worried this is becoming a habit that will add up in gas expenses and time (i.e. driving out of my way when I have to get up early the next morning for work). I can’t figure out whether I’m being totally selfish and should just suck it up and drive her, or whether I’m right in feeling uncomfortable with the new status quo. As a nonconfrontational people-pleaser, how do I tell her, “I can’t drive you this time” when there’s no real excuse?
— Designated Driver?
Designated Driver?: No, it’s not selfish to be uncomfortable with being taken for granted.
Please, when you have these doubts, do two things: 1. Acknowledge your history of conflict-avoidance; 2. Flip the scenario: Is it selfish for the other person to expect you to go out of your way for her and pay all costs, without any say or compensation?
I hope it’s clear you’re not the “taker” in this exchange.
Not that your friend is necessarily doing anything wrong. She is asking — you can decline. Being able to see it that way — and to say “no” sometimes — is on you.
She should of course be offering gas money and making it clear she’s okay with your saying no. Since she’s not making it easy for you, and since it’s your limit that needs setting, you have to do the hard thing. Start saying “no” when you want to, and start a conversation about ground rules.
This, by the way, is the true way to please people. That’s because if you keep running yourself ragged while silently resenting the imposition, then you will stop enjoying this friend’s company — and she won’t even have had a chance to fix things. If instead you’re transparent about your limits, then you give your friend the choice to stay in your good graces.
Re: Driver: Another way to go about this is to ask for something else that she can help you with — if you prefer not to ask for gas money, etc., or if that’s more useful to you.
I also want to touch on the arc of friendship. I have a good friend I drove often for several years. He never offered anything. Fast-forward a couple of years and my father died. This friend put me on the plane, looked after my bird for two days, then drove from D.C. to Long Island — with the bird — and stayed for a week helping out and being an anchor for mum and me. This was why I never worried — there’s an ebb and flow to our friendship. This might not be true with your friend, but it is sometimes there.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: This is great, thanks.
And it reminds me of something I forgot to include:
They’re both relatively new to this city, right? So the carpooling could be a shot of social courage for the friend. If so, then the arrangement/problem/awkwardness might not be indefinite.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
