Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend told me three months ago that we should take a break. We have been dating for about year and a half. So took a break I did.
I just met up with my boyfriend for dinner last week. He was so normal, no discussion on why he said that we should take a break or any other discussion. We had a nice dinner, watched a movie (and other stuff) and then I went home. [This was pre-pandemic. Pretend they live in, Idunno, New Zealand. CH]
I will see him and his kids tomorrow. Should I even bring our taking-a-break matter up, or continue pretending that all is well, like he is?
— Pretending
Pretending: Why didn’t you bring it up the other night? Or, better phrasing: Why did you go along with the pretending in the first place? This “nice dinner” seems like a natural place to say, “What the heck just happened.”
I don’t think there’s an answer other than this. The why will drive the what.
I suppose now you have to bring it up at your next opportunity, but with the kids there, tomorrow won’t be ideal, right? Still, pick your best moment and ask.
Carolyn: I did not ask because he does not do well when he is asked questions. He’d rather just pretend. I am afraid to push it because he just shuts up and I am also afraid that he would want to break up with me.
I know in my heart this is not the right relationship for me. I am not getting what I need and yet I am unable to do anything about it. Even though I was on a busy work trip, I cried over our “taking a break” every day. I prayed and prayed the break would end and now that it has ended I feel even more miserable. I know I need to get out.
— Pretending again
Pretending again: Please either break up with him right now, today, or openly question him tomorrow, so he will either break up with you himself or annoy you so much it will be easy for you to do it.
Either way, seek counseling, please — you’re acting against what you know to be your own best interests, and that’s not sustainable in any healthy way.
You just held down your job on the road while in months-long emotional distress. Please allow me to point out that you are way, way more resilient than you seem to think.
Re: Pretending: Congratulations on realizing you need to get out. Maybe this is why you came here, to admit it, and take care of yourself.
I hated breaking up w/people — so much easier to be broken up with. Now with the right (kind, sane) person, I don’t have to guess how she feels about me. She loves me, and she treats me well. It was worth getting out of the bad relationships to be on my own, happy with myself, and now to be with a good person I really care about and who cares about me. You will make it through.
