Dear Carolyn: My mother died recently. Ours was a complex relationship; due to earlier life traumas and later mental illness, she came across as a cold-hearted perfectionist who was always right. Asking for help or making a mistake was akin to failure. She was also rather closed-minded from a diversity perspective.
Her death has resulted in many mixed feelings on my part. As never before, not even when my father died while I was a child, this experience has allowed for conversations within my own family, including our many imperfections, faith, love and death.
The unexpected part is that I continue to have waves of tears at unpredictable times, even while exercising. (The shower seems to be a constant one, however.)
I suppose this represents some sort of mourning for what may have been, and at some point, it will become less unpredictable but really, is this normal? Sometimes it just hurts so much. It almost feels disingenuous to feel sad about what I missed. Crocodile Tears?
Dear Tears: No, you are not doing grief wrong.
The heart of everything we cry about is what may have been.
What youre feeling is OK, being caught off-guard by the size of those feelings is OK, the unpredictability of their surges is OK, the predictability of crying in the shower is OK.
And crying while exercising? Physical activity can loosen up our feelings, so thats more of an especially while than an even while.
This is just my surface take, but the emotional environment you describe an abundance of human frailty plus a scarcity of patience for it can have a powerful suppressing effect. Its message being: Dont think too much, dont show too much, dont share too much. Having that ethos drilled into you could explain why youre so skeptical now of your own grief. That if its messy it must be wrong.
The suppression effect could also explain why, when the perfectionist pressure came off suddenly with your mothers death, you were able to open up with your family as never before.
Its also normal, and common, for surviving children to grieve both the parent they had and the parent they wish theyd had.
So your big, erratic feelings sound like a necessary and healthy reckoning.
Grief support tends to be a more accessible kind of therapy ask a local hospice provider for suggestions so if you still feel this surge of feelings and questions, then please dont hesitate to get more in-depth help.
Dear Carolyn:
Im in my late 60s, fiancee early 70s, first marriage for both. My niece wants her girls, now 2 and 4, to be flower girls. I feel this is just embarrassing for a 68-year-old first-time bride. Im not 25, and dont think the wedding should be like one for a young couple. How do I get her to back down?
