Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: My son and his family recently moved back to our area. I feel Ive missed so many milestones, though I did make the effort to visit them every month or so.
Once the kids started school, I joined the PTA. I so enjoyed my time as PTA president when my sons were small, and thought I could get to know the parents of my grandchildrens friends. When I announced this, my daughter-in-law started to cry and said, We never should have moved back. My son gathered up the kids and left, and we havent spoken since.
I dont understand what happened, though I have always had a frosty relationship with my daughter-in-law. She is not my favorite person. I did not approve of my son marrying her, and found her immature.
Since the kids were born, I tried to let bygones be bygones. She responded with ignoring any advice Ive provided and making it as difficult as possible for me to visit. She is cordial but not friendly, and I feel she excludes my husband and me from some events.
What do I do now? I dont trust my daughter-in-law to include me on her own. And Im sure the school will be upset to lose such a willing volunteer. Trying to Be Helpful
Answer: I wish you could see my expression right now.
Please imagine your mother-in-law wrote this letter about you.
Do you see it? At all?
To say you let bygones be bygones is like a felon granting herself a pardon. You were the antagonist and trust me, there is zero chance she didnt know so shes the one holding the right to forgive.
Your choices were either to be warmer to her, starting with apologies, or to recognize your stiff disapproval meant you stayed on this familys sidelines unless and until they welcomed you in.
But you didnt apologize and whoa nelly you didnt butt out. Instead, you pretended not to loathe her (sort of) and helped yourself to their family experience as you felt entitled to. You visited constantly and advised copiously knowing neither was welcome.
And you put yourself on their PTA!!!! It is one of the most stunning boundary violations Ive seen. Apparently your only emotional awareness has been of your sense of outrage.
Thing is, youre the one who stands to lose the most from your refusal to see things from your daughter-in-laws perspective.
The PTA freakout aside, she has gone along with your heavy presence, despite your seeing her as a mistake your son made.
Please give a good think to how youd feel if it were your henhouse and your mother-in-law were a self-appointed fox. And how your son feels now, in the awkward position of understanding the threat while wanting his parent to be part of his and his kids lives.
Its excruciating.
