Dear Carolyn: A good friend I have known since college, 20 years ago, recently started dating a woman who is about 15 years younger than he is. While that age difference is relatively significant, the gap with her emotional and social maturity is even starker. She basically moved directly from her parents’ home in another part of the country into his apartment and has no social life outside of him. Since she is very quiet, every interaction with her is totally one-sided and extremely awkward.
All our shared friends — dozens of people — are perplexed by their relationship and don’t know how to ask him about it. He is a fun, good-looking guy and always has had an active romantic life, so it’s not like he’s been desperate for a partner. Since his girlfriend is so incredibly awkward, some have stopped inviting him to social events because they don’t want to have to deal with her being there.
We don’t want to lose our friend, but also don’t know how to ask him about his girlfriend, since she’s already living with him and it would probably be embarrassing for him to hear how awkward it is to be around her. Any ideas?
Awkward: Some people don’t want a partnership of equals.
Some people find a partnership of equals in qualities and interactions that aren’t visible to those on the outside.
Because that’s really all any of you has standing to do at this point.
That is, unless one of you is this guy’s blunt, say-anything, ride-or-die, closer-for-even-the-hardest-truth-telling kind of best friend who can just ask out loud what he sees in his silent new girlfriend. The kind of friend who exists mostly on TV, I suspect, but who I always hope is real, in this case for your friend’s sake to make sure he has his eyes open to the health of his new situation.
I hope all this for your sakes, too, I should say — because it’s hard to watch a beloved member of a tight and enduring friend circle do anything to mess with the chemistry, especially something that seems self-defeating. Even though that’s what you have to do.
But not everyone will share my sympathy. Certainly not any reserved young women getting iced out because their boyfriends’ college cliques deemed them insufficiently fun. Even my limited sympathy dries up at the mention of excluding him just because his new date is awkward.
Actually caring about friends — for who they are vs. what they do for you — means you put in the work to welcome any dates they bring who aren’t objectively offensive, cruel, rude, criminal or openly [whatever]-ist. You remain mindful of how hard it is to be new among old friends and give generous benefits of doubt.
Maybe this awkward girlfriend is not only a hidden gem, but also destined to show her lovable qualities as you prove you can be trusted.
Or not. But those decades of his good-friendship say you owe her that chance.
There is, however, no reciprocal debt for him to choose someone to your liking or explain to you all why he didn’t. Sometimes, not knowing know how to ask about something is a memo not to ask it because you can’t even manufacture grounds to make it your business.
If he ever seems unhappy, then approach away — in your role as his friend, noticing X, wondering if he’s okay.
