Hi, Carolyn: I recently found out that a close friend lost her job months ago and has been pretending to all, including her family, that she is still working. She dresses up, takes the train into town and kills time for eight hours every day. I am flabbergasted and do not know how to approach this with her. Obviously there is no shame in losing a job, but carrying on this charade is troubling.
— Flabbergasted
Flabbergasted: This question is from 2019, before the big 180 made job loss ordinary and commuting bizarre — but the advice is the same. Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” buy her some no-contact coffee and listen.
That is, if she knows you know she’s not working. If you learned from someone else, then just say that, as if the grapevine had delivered any other, perfectly normal news about someone: “I heard about your job, I’m so sorry.” Then extend the invitation.
It is indeed very troubling, and she will need friends who are up to the job of supporting her — which includes but is not limited to nudging her toward professional help if/when she resists dealing with the harder parts of her current reality, which is pretty common in general. More so, certainly, than the specific choice to spend months in an elaborate charade of being at work.
But throughout, being warm and available will help her get past the shame piece, which no doubt drove her to these extremes.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been seeing someone I really like, whose company I super enjoy, but very quickly it has turned into us hanging out at my place.
On the one hand, I enjoy this; it’s relaxed and low-pressure, I have snacks. On the other, I feel some mix of taken for granted (aren’t we supposed to be having dates?) and concerned that this Means Something (am I too hideous to be seen with in public?). I don’t think it’s just a friends-with-benefits situation; we don’t always have sex, and he has explicitly said he is interested in a relationship. I don’t believe he is with someone else and he’s trying to hide me.
I want to say something, but every configuration I come up with makes me feel demanding. We’ve been pretty open and honest so far, discussed our pasts and our emotional needs, but this one thing I can’t seem to figure out.
— Concerned
Concerned: Er. How about, when you’d rather go out, you suggest going out? Plan to pay. See how that works.
