Dear Carolyn: For a few weeks last year, my husband and I were pretty sure we were going to get a divorce and shared that fact with a select few people (who in turn spread the news to basically our entire family and social circle). Then we found out I was pregnant and changed course — therapy, complete relationship overhaul, the works.
The baby is here now, and on the whole we are happier than I thought it was possible for us to be. I consider it a win, but a number of people close to us do not; they either believe we “gave up,” or think one of us masterminded the pregnancy on purpose to trap the other. I’m exhausted by all the effort that goes into defending our relationship these days.
How do we get everyone out of our business, or convince them we are happy, so they should be happy for us? — Maryland
Maryland: I’m exhausted by all these people exhausting you by getting so far into your business. Trapping? Seriously, people.
“We’re accepting applications for people to be happy for us.” Or, “We’re happy. I’m sorry to disappoint everyone.” “We’re happy. Feel free to start that rumor.” Ehhhhh, too defensive, probably. “Our marriage has come a long way. I wish our friends weren’t stuck in our past.”
Or just: “It’s a second chance, and I’m/we’re thrilled” . . . and no further discussion.
Or the full answer, once, to anyone who really matters to you: “The only unhappy part of our marriage right now, truly, is that people won’t stop questioning whether we’re happy. I’d prefer it if you’d trust us, but if that’s not possible, then your dropping it would be enough for me. Will you honor that request? If not, then why not?”
Listen, respond and finish it. Any naysaying beyond this gets your back as you walk away.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for about a year, and so far it’s gone really well. I love him and he loves me. Falling in love with him was totally unexpected for me, I guess because we’re so different? Essentially none of the same interests, vastly different life experiences, families, education levels. But it’s been great so far — we laugh all the time, he is by far the kindest person I’ve ever dated, and time spent with him is so easy and natural.
Maybe this sounds silly, but sometimes I worry all those differences will eventually catch up with us. What if eventually we run out of things to talk about, or the googly eyes of early love wear off and I’m with a guy who I don’t feel I can relate to? I’m sure we could find some common hobby or interest, but I think we’re also pretty content doing our own things right now. Is this a normal thing to worry about? Do I just have to wait and see? — Significant Other With Vastly Different Interests
Significant Other With Vastly Different Interests: Waiting and seeing sounds lovely.
What you’re doing now, by the way, is relating to him (with an endorphin assist). Interests in common are one way to get that, but hardly the only one.
