Dear Carolyn: I’m one of those rare people who actually stayed friends with an ex-boyfriend. We do much better platonically than we did in the year-plus we were together romantically, and I consider him pretty much my best friend. We now live over an hour apart so we don’t see each other as often, but we text, DM or talk on the phone almost daily and meet for dinner several times a month.
I knew my ex was seeing someone, and next weekend at a party we’ll finally get to meet.
My ex says “right now” he doesn’t plan to tell his girlfriend that he and I ever dated but wants to break it to her gradually. I don’t understand what there is to “break” to her. We weren’t engaged or anything and have been over as a couple for years now. This makes me really uncomfortable, but as long as I don’t have to tell any out-and-out lies, I guess I should go along with it. Thoughts?
— Lie of Omission
Lie of Omission: No no no, please be his friend, and badly needed spokesperson for his spine, and tell him this is a terrible idea: “Lying to her by omission is a stupid way to start a relationship. Show her enough respect to be honest. If she freaks out that you’re friends with an ex, then she’s probably not someone you’d want to be serious with anyway, because the friends you choose are about your values.
“Besides — how is she going to like it when she finds out you kept this from her?”
He plans to tell her “gradually.” That is unintentionally hilarious.
Really. Don’t let him slide into a completely idiotic decision; at least make him actively choose and defend it.
Dear Carolyn: My partner and his brother have decided to go in on a new car for their sister, who has been driving around in an unsafe jalopy for a while. She can’t afford to buy her own for a number of reasons that all boil down to poor financial management.
This is really generous and brotherly of them, and I would support it, but I’ve been driving a crappy old car for years and can’t quite believe my partner is prioritizing his sister’s need over mine. Granted, there is a big difference between unsafe (her car) and simply embarrassing (mine), but there is also a big difference between one’s duties to one’s sibling and one’s partner. Right, or am I being a jerk?
— Family of Creation
Family of Creation: Do you two have joint finances? Are you life partners?
If so, then you have absolute standing to say that while you recognize the generosity of this gift to his sister, you’re uncomfortable with him not running it by you first — especially given that your own car is an accidental monument to fiscal restraint.
Even if you have separate finances and not-yet-determined roles in each other’s futures, then you can make the same case if such a big expenditure affects you both — for example, if it impinges on his ability to contribute to your shared expenses.
Or you can just say your “can’t quite believe” line out loud and sort it from there. Better that than silent resentment.
