Dear Carolyn: My friend Jane just told me, as a courtesy, that she has struck up a connection with my ex-boyfriend John and that things are headed in a romantic direction. John and I dated for about three years ending a year and a half ago; I consider him the one that got away and still have raw feelings of pain when I think of him. There are still local restaurants and social events I avoid so that I dont have to run into him as I try to ready myself for the possibility of a new relationship someday.
Jane did not ask my permission to date John I would not expect her to. She says she just wanted me to find out directly so it didnt surprise me if I saw them together. I am worried our friendship cant survive it if she starts dating the person who broke my heart.
However, that doesnt seem like something that would be fair for me to tell her. What do I do instead? Stay quiet and silently pull away from the friendship if it turns out thats what I need to do? Maryland
Answer: Tough one, and not much you can do about it, Im sorry.
But the few things you can do have the potential to make a significant difference:
(1) Stop avoiding these places youre avoiding. You need to demystify them, the sooner the better, especially now. Running into John in the new context of not being his girlfriend is the best way to render seeing him and render him as ordinary as possible. If you were stuck seeing him every day, next door or at the next desk or whatever, then that could interfere with getting over him (or accelerate it, depending), but youre talking occasional contact, so the more that happens, the more of a non-event it becomes.
As it stands now, the ready myself plan of avoiding him completely has probably only fed the John mystique. You want to land in the middle somewhere.
(2) Dont stay quiet, but dont go all in, either, with a prediction that your friendship with Jane likely wont survive. Just say the minimum: That will be tough for me, I wont pretend otherwise. Im glad you told me though.
(3) If Jane and John become a thing and you conclude thats it for you and Jane, then dont silently pull away. Again, just say the minimum: Im happy youve found happiness. I tried to be OK with it, though, and learned it hurts too much to be around you two. I hope youll understand.
By the way hes not the one who got away. Hes still around, so hes the one who didnt fit. Please please trust that and free yourself of the image of him youve built up.
By the way, I havent addressed Janes choices here for a reason. Its possible she could have avoided John with your feelings in mind, but callously chose not to and its also possible she was innocently friendly with John and they fell for each other organically. Dwelling on the Which was it? question is wasted emotional energy. Focus on what you need and let the Jane question answer itself.
