Dear Carolyn: My fiance and I have been butting heads regarding changing my last name. I have the typical arguments for not wanting to change it, for my career, but it is complicated by the fact I work for a large multinational organization and have spent close to a decade building my career in this organization under this name. I am also the last in my family to have my maiden name, and we believe it will die off with me. 
My fiance does not sympathize and believes it is because I don’t want to go through the hassle of going to court, changing all my documents, etc., and he argues that if society forced the male to change their name, he would do it, no questions asked.
He acknowledges that short of putting a gun to my head, he can’t actually make me do anything, but he is quite upset we will not “look like a family” on paper. I am unsure of what else to tell him. Help? — Name
Name: “[I]f society forced the male to change their name”? Wha?
“Society” isn’t forcing you to do it, either. And it’s disheartening that he’s okay with your paying a significant personal price to feed an “on paper” standard that is decades past being standard anyway.
It’s even more disheartening that he treats you as disingenuous — you gave your reasons! He has decided you’re not telling the truth. Wow.
If he doesn’t think you’re honest, then why is he marrying you? And if he doesn’t think you’re honest, then why are you marrying him?
His problem-solving skills aren’t so hot either: His taking your name would make you “look like a family” as surely as your taking his would.
Whatever you decide about the name is your business, but please don’t budge on his accusations of dishonesty. Right now he’s a no-go — as in, no-marry. There’s no happiness in a marriage to someone who doesn’t trust you or take you at your word — because it’s never just about this one thing you’re fighting about.
Dear Carolyn: A good friend of mine is going through a really hard time, and I see that his husband is getting burned out on playing the caretaker/firefighter role. I’d like to offer some sort of help to the husband, but we are not nearly as close, and I’m afraid my friend might see this as a sort of betrayal (I won’t go into specifics).
How can I do this? I’m afraid of what might happen to my friend if he loses his main support system. — Supporting
Supporting: Figure out ways to help that would also take some weight off the husband; say, taking your friend on a day trip. Make the offer to your friend directly.
If your friend refuses, then you can say okay, another time — and then, next time Husband’s name comes up in conversation, mention that you wonder how Husband is doing . . . does he ever need help?
I think there’s an important distinction between seeking someone out to say something and taking advantage of a natural opening to say something.
We need a meddling scale that codifies degrees of intrusion.
