Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: It was the 15th anniversary of my dads death recently. I know it should have been a day marked by profound grief, but instead the primary feeling I had was … relief.
This sentiment would have been easier to accept if he had been a monster, but he was an absolutely wonderful man and deeply devoted father whom I adored, and still do.
But the truth is that his death happening when it did I was in college at the time forced me to really grow and change in ways I doubt I would have experienced had he not passed. The first several years were excruciating … but it was those hardships that played an instrumental role in shaping the (not perfect but) independent and relatively strong woman I am today. I am weirdly grateful now for the experience.
Is this wrong? Selfish? I felt so sad to realize I dont miss him as deeply as I probably should. The good is oft interred with their bones. … Thanks so much. Bonehead
No, you are not getting love and feelings all wrong.
And should is a lousy word.
You can love your father and still recognize that you made good fortune out of bad. Harboring these thoughts doesnt make you a monster or a bonehead. I miss my mom but I dont miss who I was before she got sick.
Please feel free to celebrate, without shame, the human ability to inhabit a complex moral and emotional space.
