Dear Carolyn: I found out my 84-year-old father has cancer; I found out from my sister, who found out from his wife, but both communications were “in secret.” My father hasn’t told either my sister or me directly. I would like to be able to communicate with him about this, but am not sure how to bring it up. I think his failure to tell us could in part be his own selfishness/insensitivity — he also failed to tell us when he remarried — but also because he doesn’t want to “burden” us.
To the extent it’s the latter, it seems like I should be able to tell him that isn’t a problem, but to the extent it’s for his own personal reasons, I guess it’s his choice?
— In Secret
In Secret: It is, though it’s one that affects you and others, clearly.
Seems to me the most respectful plan is to accept his decision and drop the subject.
The respect-meets-honesty plan is go back through the source and ask his wife to nudge him to tell his kids, at least.
If she says no, or if she does it and he says no, then think of this as a gift you can give your father: You play along, and you let him think he’s protecting you from all this.
Or, if he’s just thoughtless, you play along and let him think he’s getting one by all of you.
The it’s-his-life-to-manage truth is at its most urgent at the end of life, isn’t it? And even if he beats the cancer, 84 still gives him every right to yell you all off his lawn.
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