Hi, Carolyn: My father is a narcissist living in a different country. I made peace with who he is a long time ago and dont have a relationship with him. I dont feel any connection to him at all.
My two children, 6 and 10, have never met him and have only spoken with him over the phone a couple of times. I dont want them to have a relationship with him considering all the abuse, poor judgment and bad behavior he exhibited while married to my mother.
How do I explain this to them now, and as they grow? What is appropriate, healthy and honest? Its unlikely they will really have any contact with him since hes in his 80s, but I also want to be able to talk with them about it and about him. How do I do that? A Caring Mom
Answer: With an eye, always, to how you want them to treat you and others when theyre old enough themselves to sever a tie to someone.
Typically its wise not to weigh kids down with too many details and nuances about adult relationships, especially ones theyre too young to grasp, and its also an act of decency not to speak ill of others. These are healthy impulses that you need to resist a bit here: Your kids need more of the truth than youd be otherwise inclined to tell. Its important not to suggest that family estrangement is a reasonable response to routine faults and frustrations.
It sounds as if you made a necessary decision to distance yourself from your father; Im not questioning that.
But anything less than a full explanation of your fathers absence can leave room for your kids to interpret that you, say, just dont agree with him or think hes boring or took offense to one of his jokes.
So tell them, simply: You dont see your father because he was unkind to people not just once, but most of the time, without any apology or effort to be kinder, despite your plainly asking for both.
Thats it. Your kids are both young enough to see that as enough information, and old enough to ask follow-up questions if they want to know more. Use those questions, if they come, as your kids way of showing you they are ready for a more nuanced explanation.
That doesnt mean you have to answer them; its OK to say, Thats a good question, but I need to think about it/Im not sure Im ready to answer. Just encourage their curiosity regardless. Thats not only how they learn, but also how they tell you how well they understand.
Dear Carolyn: I have a chronic illness that causes severe fatigue. There are a number of these invisible diseases, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, COPD, to name a few. I wear makeup, exercise, dress neatly, and try to make myself as presentable as possible. But daily I hear, You look so tired. How to respond, beyond the evil eye? Tired
Answer: People do like to show they care. Im just sorry so many of them are idiots about it.
Assuming youre burned out on educating people: Im partial to a bright, incongruous, Thanks! [smile.] Same message as your evil eye, but costing a smaller chunk of my soul.
