Dear Carolyn: My brother has always been a huge part of my 7-year-old son Brians life. My ex-husband works long hours and is not into sports or video games, which Brian loves, and my brother is a widower with a son a little older than Brian and has always been the one to take Brian to sporting events and play video games with him.
Brian really looked forward to sleepovers at his uncles house and sees my nephew as a big brother. The problem is, my brother remarried and Brian is extremely allergic to the new wifes dog. He cant spend any time at their home, so Brian saw much less of them.
The dog died last month and I was thinking Brian could start going over as soon as they gave the house a thorough cleaning. Now I find out my sister-in-law is looking at getting another dog. When I asked my brother why, knowing Brian can never stay with them, he just shrugged and said his wife cant live without a dog. My sister-in-law always seemed to love my son but when I asked if she would consider getting another kind of pet, she flat-out refused.
I am trying not to resent her but its clear she loves dogs more than my son and doesnt care how this will affect his relationship with his uncle and cousin. Is there any other way to look at this?
Dear Resentful: [S]he loves dogs more than my son is not a productive use of your facts.
A dog is a way of life, and its daily. To expect someone to change her daily way of life so your son can visit is a much bigger ask than you seem to realize.
I understand you see it as an almost-siblings thing, but has she witnessed that firsthand? Did Brians allergies ever let her see up close how he used to fit in?
Meanwhile, why are you holding your sister-in-law to a higher standard than you do Brians own father? She cant get a dog, but he can check out because hes not into the same things your son is?
Your son needs all the healthy family connections he can get, so please challenge any emotional impulses you have that would strain those connections.
Start by respecting that their home = their choices. The consequences do affect your son, but that just means you need productive alternatives: discuss allergy shots with Brians doctor; ask your brother if theyd consider a more allergy-friendly breed; encourage sporting events by paying for them. Or you take both boys yourself. Or ask your ex to, because, again who blows off ones own child because of different interests? Sheesh.
And: archive sleepovers at his uncles house as great while they lasted. Change is a constant, so any number of other things could have ended them most of which you probably would have accepted, if sadly. Dont choose a grudge now just because you think dogs arent a good enough reason. Having an opinion is not the same as having a say.
Re: Dog
When you find yourself impatiently waiting for someone to clean their house after their dog died so you can send your kid over, its time for a change of perspective. Anonymous
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Amen.
