Hi, Carolyn: My partner and I were raised in households with different views on how to spend money. We are responsible with our money and have no debt, but my partner likes to spend more than I do on a number of things. They follow trends and care more about what other people think and like. I’m on the other end, where I tend not to give much thought to that.
We are in the middle of planning for our wedding, and there has been a lot of friction on what I’m willing to spend and what my partner wants. I feel like being more reasonable with the money we spend, whereas my partner wants to make sure they don’t miss out on some of the experiences of this occasion.
Lately, my partner has been more agreeable and giving up certain things. I think they are doing this to appease. Am I being unreasonable to be reasonable? — Planning
Planning: There is always a point where a commitment to being reasonable becomes unreasonable — because any kind of inflexibility can be taken to an extreme.
So while you may seem to have the more sensible outlook on what’s worth spending your money on, a world with zero frivolity, splurging or performing for the Joneses just sounds depressingly blah.
Since you’re on the cusp of a marriage to someone with a frivolous streak, it doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch to say you appreciate this quality, even if you don’t have it yourself. Yes? And your partner likewise might appreciate that you aren’t both out there commissioning 12-foot ice sculptures.
So this seems like a great opportunity to combine your strengths in a way that sets a sustainable precedent for appreciating each other’s role in your marriage: You set a basic budget you can live on, and then freely, joyfully set aside a fund beyond that to live a little — which your partner controls, or just spends silly. That sounds a lot more fun than the system you’ve got now, doesn’t it? Where you wear each other down, in joyless friction over whose way is the right way, till one of you caves?
Dear Carolyn: I am starting to react to my mother’s negative and draining conversations, and I feel really sad that she never ever asks me how I am or anything about my life. It is all one-way traffic with her. It has been like this for most of my life, to be fair, and I feel a lot of the time that I am the parent. Any tips? — J.
J.: Yes, one, to accomplish one thing that you probably don’t really want.
The tip is to give up all hope that your mother will ever be different, will ever be positive, will ever ask how you are.
What that will accomplish, I hope, is to open your mind to the relationship your mom is capable of having.
It’s sad, obviously — but also freeing if you can uncouple your feelings of disappointment and frustration from these conversations.
Letting go of the mother-child relationship you can’t seem to have will help you see her as a person, and seeing her as a person will help you find a way to connect with her that’s real and within her reach.
