We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My 30-something daughter was already professionally successful and attractive when she started getting lip fillers. Her lips are now twice the size they originally were. They actually seem too big for her face, but, for some reason, they make her feel more attractive and confident.
If I mention it, she’ll get angry and stop talking to me. But if she keeps this up, her lips will become grotesque (in my opinion). I tried to raise her to value her own self-worth more than society’s pressure on women to be beautiful. I have gently reassured her that she doesn’t need fillers to be attractive.
I would appreciate your suggestions on how to further address this, if at all, noting of course that I love her (which I convey to her frequently) and that she’s an adult and can do whatever she wants. — Concerned
Concerned: You want her to have confidence and agency, right? So, why are you undermining both? Your daughter has set a boundary on this subject and is enforcing it by not talking to you — because you have leaped over that boundary too far and at least one too many times. Not pushing against someone’s boundaries is the most loving thing we can do for each other. It is the very heart of what selfless parenting requires.
I do understand how you feel; my daughter is 26 and also gets lip filler. I, too, wish she had the self-acceptance to not cave to society’s pressures. But I am not in charge of this, and I am not about to make it worse by exerting my own pressure. I can only model self-acceptance and draw a stark contrast between my acceptance and love of her as is, and those unhealthy demands for conformity to an unrealistic standard. I want her to be able to recognize that kind of love, and to know its value. — Common_Tater
Concerned: I’m going to point out a couple parts of your letter that waved a big ol’ red flag to me. “But if she keeps this up, her lips will become grotesque (in my opinion). I tried to raise her to value her own self-worth more than society’s pressure on women to be beautiful.” You’re saying that you raised her to value her own self-worth more than outside standards of beauty. But, in the beat just before, you say you’re afraid her lips will become grotesque. So, are you really telling her to ignore society’s definitions of beauty or only the ones that you don’t personally agree with?
“If I mention it, she’ll get angry and stop talking to me” and “I have gently reassured her that she doesn’t need fillers to be attractive.” It seems like you’ve already said your piece (maybe unsolicited?), and your successful, attractive adult daughter has let you know that she disagrees with you. The real challenge for you is to live by the values you taught her. Accept that definitions of beauty are personal and respect her right to make her own decisions. — Rachel
Concerned: I grew up with a mother who was often critical of my appearance — clothing choices, makeup, hair, etc. Her criticisms were usually couched in language condemning “society’s pressure on women to be beautiful,” but what she didn’t realize was that she was adding to that noise by trying to enforce her own beauty standards on me. It has taken me decades to build the confidence to dress how I really want to dress and not how she always wanted me to dress. At this point, I really don’t care if she (or anyone else) thinks I’d be more attractive if I presented myself differently, because the only person I’m trying to please is myself.
Trust me when I say that arguing with your daughter about any aspect of her appearance will most likely have the opposite of the intended effect. It’ll put her on the defensive, and it may make her want to double down just to prove you wrong, or even to test the limits of your love for her. Please don’t keep putting her in this position. Let her know you will always love her no matter how she looks, be glad she’s figuring out what makes her feel more attractive and confident, and learn to look past the lip fillers. — Eye of the Beholder
Concerned: Convey to her frequently that you love her and explicitly acknowledge that she’s an adult and can do whatever she wants. It’s the same as a teenager wanting to dye her hair purple. If you act like it’s a big deal, she’ll double down. It’s interesting that you’ve assumed she’s doing this to cave to “society’s pressure on women to be beautiful.” Is it possible she does “value her own self-worth” and, separately, she likes how she looks with the lip fillers? Bottom line: It’s really none of your business. If you continue to criticize how she looks, how are you any better than “society”? — Lora
