Dear Carolyn: I heard my teenage daughter this evening tell her friend she thinks another friend’s parents just do not like her. It broke my heart.
She thinks it is because the parents are very strict. 
Both parents I believe work at highly stressful federal jobs. They would allow their daughter to hang out with only one other mutual friend, which originally hurt my daughter’s feelings. I heard things such as, “The parents are letting only one other friend to go running with her, not me,” and she was so sad.
Now she feels as if they just do not like her.
During this pandemic emotions are running high. I am particularly fed up with these parents.
How should I approach this? It does seem like parents are overly cautious and immature. Just rude.
My husband says ignore, you are only hearing this from the side of a 15-year-old. I, on the other hand, would like to send a note to the parents explaining how hurtful they are. I have never been one to keep my feelings inside. What do you think?
— S.
S.: I think the working definition of maturity includes knowing there are times when inside is exactly where your feelings belong.
Your daughter, who sounds like a typical adolescent with typical emotional volatility, needs you to handle this better than she does.
That includes making it clear to her that these are stressful times for everybody; that people’s circumstances vary, and so some families need to be stricter than others; that the understanding of covid-19 has evolved and the messaging is tainted by politics, so even people with identical circumstances and risk tolerances can feel reasonable in drawing different conclusions; and that, in general, not getting what we want can really hurt but it doesn’t mean we always have to react.
In other words, what an upset adolescent really needs from an adult in her life is sympathy and a cool head.
Your husband gets this, it seems.
So: “I know it hurts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
And then: “But ‘this’ might not be exactly as you perceive it.”
