Hi Carolyn: My husband and I had baby number three this year, we also have 3- and 5-year-olds. We have a pretty good life and are essentially living the dream, Im sure. We both work full time and put all of our remaining time and energy into our littles.
I feel and my husband does, too like weve lost our relationship. We like each other a lot and appreciate each other hugely (on good days!), three kids and keeping house is definitely a team effort for us, but our relationship has been back-burnered to the point that were not sure how to get it back on track. We live together, we get along OK, we make a point to have the occasional-bordering-on-rare date night, but there is little intimacy and not much of a connection between us anymore.
We talk about it, we try to make an effort, but were always exhausted and it seems like we keep swinging and missing at attempts to get back to how we used to be. Hes missing the intimacy, Im missing the connection, and we get frustrated when we feel like were making an effort and getting no return. Three Kids and No Relationship
Dear Three: Please, give yourselves two gifts: a once-a-week (not occasional-bordering-on-rare!), standing appointment to spend time together without the kids; and permission to take the long view. The kids wont be this exhausting forever, or even five years from now.
Wait third gift: permission to stop trying to get back to how we used to be. Forget the little kids thing thats not a realistic goal ever. Life moves forward and changes us, and changes what we have. So, focus on making something more appealing out of what your life and your relationship actually are now. To keep looking back to what once was, as if its somehow achievable, is torture.
If money stands in the way of your having a regular date night, then look into low-or-no-cost options like a babysitting swap with another family. You can also pay for care but keep the dates low-cost or free. And keep in mind how expensive counseling and divorce can be, so you beat back any temptation to skimp.
Its important also for each of you to find some alone time too, to keep yourselves from getting swallowed up by parenthood. Ideally you can find a way to remain interesting to yourselves and each other, but if that just sounds like another chore or another way to feel like youre doing everything wrong, then frame it instead as just a way to get out of parent mode for an hour so you dont lose your freaking minds.
Plus, when youre covering for each other as the other one gets some air, you get to find your groove with being solo parent, and the confidence you build that way can make the whole gong show less stressful overall. Plus itll give you a shot of intense gratitude for each other.
And, again, be patient. A little, a toddler, a baby, a house and two full-time jobs? Of course you miss intimacy and connection. Remind each other youre all in, and surrender yourselves to the ride.
