Dear Carolyn: Ive recently gotten a bad diagnosis. My doctors and husband are taking great care of me, but I have not shared this news with my adult children or my elderly mom. It grieves me that I am going to cause emotional upheaval. The fear they will feel is the main thing I wish I could avoid. What do I say to my loved ones? I think Ill be OK in the long run; Im going to do everything I can to get well. Sharing Bad News
Answer: Im sorry about your news.
You know your familys emotional wiring and I dont, but, going just on what Ive experienced, I think the best approach is just to say what you know: You were diagnosed with X, your doctors and husband are being great, youre going to do everything you can to get well, you think youll be OK in the long run.
Sure, itll be scary for the people who love you. It is not possible, though, to have a lifetime of complete insulation from fear and pain. So, allow them the next best thing: a chance to be involved, and to make any changes to their lives that they feel are warranted in light of this development. Let them all be in this with you together.
I feel that needs a footnote, since not everyone turns out to be strong enough to handle the together part; sometimes the response to bad news is to run from it. In that case, my advice is forgiveness: OK, this person cant face it but my job is still to do what I can to get well, so I will carry on with that and let the person know the door is open if and when s/he is ready.
Dear Carolyn: I just recently found out Im pregnant again. My first child will be about 20 months old when this child hopefully arrives, so we had a baby shower not that long ago. My mother thinks it would be nice to have a baby shower to celebrate this baby, and that all babies deserve a celebration, but the idea just makes me uncomfortable. Its considered tacky, right? Are there non-tacky alternatives? Tacky?
Answer: Why not just say no thanks? If your mom isnt forcing the issue, then theres no need to tie yourself up in knots … and if she is forcing it, then thats all the more reason to hold the line.
Sometimes people just want to be included, sure, but they will probably see any celebration as a shower and bring gifts, whether you call it a shower or not. You could make it a bring-your-favorite-childrens-book shower, which would cost your guests very little, stir up some of their happy memories, build a library for both of your children, and maybe even help stock a library or school or homeless shelter through donations.
There will always be those who judge; just do what feels right. Congratulations!
