Dear Carolyn: I have two children who are both fundamentally good kids. BUT one is a very, very cute 10-year-old daughter and the other is a very, very annoying 14-year-old son. One is cuddly and sweet and funny. The other is only rarely cuddly or sweet, funny but snarky (mostly about me) and seems to adore one thing: contradicting every statement I make.
You can probably see where I’m going with this. I KNOW this is normal teenage behavior, and I KNOW my sweet 10-year-old will also become an annoying 14-year-old. But right now, I feel lots of affection for her and only annoyance and irritation toward him.
And then I feel guilty. Because I think he can sense the difference, however much I try to hide it, which I’m sure worsens his behavior.
What can I do to feel more affection toward my teen? Or even less annoyance? — Annoyed
Annoyed: You’ve actually done this a few times before, with both children: Adjust your parenting style to match your kid’s changing needs. You don’t make airplane noises anymore to make eating fun for them, and this change is no different.
The teenage adjustment feels different because it’s the first time your kid isn’t grabbing for your attention. It’s easy to take personally — but, don’t. It was your job to build his skills and confidence, and now it’s his job to test out the idea of navigating the world without you.
As you know — and as you’ve sensed in his sensing the difference — he still wants and needs you around, and he wants your approval. The easiest path to giving him the approval and presence he wants — without getting up in his grill — is to look for and appreciate the person he is growing into. The surly stuff isn’t everything. There’s an interesting person developing in there. The cute-caterpillar stage was always going to be temporary. Make it your mission right now to be the person who sees the first vague outlines of the butterfly, and delights in them.
READERS’ thoughts:
— I have two 14-year-old grandsons. I can so often see glimmers of the tender hearts hidden under those crusty exteriors. I’m sure it’s much easier for Grandma, but I’m always trying not to bruise that tenderness. The world does that enough.
— Teens want to be seen as adults. Are there ways you can give him independence and respect? Ask him to teach you something? Have him take over ordering groceries and making breakfast and lunch? Harness his desire to be independent and praise him when he is.
— My 12-year-old is smelly and doubles down on stuff he is objectively wrong about. He’s also a really interesting person under all the hair and tweeny angst, and he’s as tired of being told what to do as I am of telling. A long ride or hike breaks the dynamic for a bit.
— Been there. Survived. One action I took: I hugged him every day. Whether I wanted to or not.
[Great. Ask first, though. “May I give you a hug?” — CH]
— I recently saw a social media post that said: “You think you’ve got it bad? Some people are 15.” He has to survive being a teenager. Please be kind as you survive him surviving this.
— I remember my parents started letting me set aside a summer weekend or two where I could stay up as late as I wanted. I would see the sun rise and then sleep in till 3 p.m. the next day without their bugging me about it. The rest of the year, I lived life according to our family’s schedule and needs. But those precious few nights were 100 percent MINE.
