‘Caring for each other is a sacred contract’

Dear Carolyn: I spent 10 years helping my aging parents. They died six years ago. Now my husband’s mom is 91 with dementia, and he and one sister do all the caregiving. His other two siblings refuse to help.

My siblings also refused to help or pay and completely took advantage of my good nature. I am furious and sick of this. Please help.

— J.

J.: This is not okay, you’re right.

But even though you knew it was not okay, and even though you wanted it to be otherwise, your siblings still didn’t do their share of caregiving for your parents.

So what is different now, as your husband faces the exact same problem? How is he to solve in his family what you couldn’t solve for 10 years in your own?

Please don’t mistake this pragmatism for a lack of sympathy. You are rightly furious and sick of the workload imbalance imposed on your family by the apparent selfishness of others. 

But carrying your anger and frustration over to your husband’s experience isn’t the way to help him, or his sister (a round of applause for both of them, by the way), or yourself, or his mom.

Apply what you learned from your 10-year odyssey, yes, by all means, but include what you learned about families, too: That they don’t always step up when they should. That you can’t force people to do the right thing. That anger is a normal reaction to this. That letting your anger take over will only add to the weight you carry. That doing right by ailing relatives who need you — and honoring your own principles — is a valid and healthy counterweight to the bad feelings of being dumped on.

Caring for each other is a sacred contract. People who break that contract are not getting off easy — they’re denying themselves the rewards of deeper connection and responsibility.